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Band 5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than any other important professionals. Some people think it is justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people
Well-achieved athletes can have a great deal of earning huge
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money, compared to any other essential workers.
Accordingly
, it sparks heated
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 from two
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
, the agreeing and the disagreeing. The agreeing
one
 would think that it is fair and well-earned for the sake of
athlete's
Correct article usage
the athlete's
show examples
 livelihood, but the disagreeing
one
thinking
Wrong verb form
thinks
show examples
this
 is unfair and unjustified. The livelihood of an
athlete
 is a long history of pain and sacrifice
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because many do not understand the hardship and
work
 they had to do to achieve the best performance.
Moreover
, many of them have to choose to start early on their practice or
work
 harder twice when they are older to pursue
immense
Correct article usage
the immense
show examples
 ability
one
 could offer. Even though it is
also
 a privilege to
starting
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 practice early because it is connected with
family's
Correct article usage
the family's
show examples
 background or their economic's condition.
Furthermore
, when they become older, usually over 35 years old, and had to pension, many of the athletes do not have
any
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 undergraduate degree to
work
 a proper job.
Also
, sometimes the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
 does not want to support them anymore so they had to
work
 their asses off to pay their bill.
On the other hand
, considering
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
 as
one
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
un-essential
Correct your spelling
unessential
show examples
worker
Change to a plural noun
workers
show examples
 and only give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefit to
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 pride, it does not make sense to give them a huge amount of money
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 if the more important workers suffer from underpayment.
For example
, it
is already happened
Change to the active voice
already happens
has already happened
show examples
 in Indonesia after the
last
 held
asian
Change the capitalization
Asian
show examples
 games, the government give several
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 to the winners of the respective sports, even though, doctors, teachers and other important workers do not get a proper wage for their huge responsibilities. In conclusion, I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
giving
Change the verb form
give
show examples
Add an article
the athlete
show examples
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
 an immense bonus if they win, and
also
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
paying
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
 them a standardized wage for life.
Besides
,
also
giving
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 them a proper education and training to
work
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society normally after their end of careers.
Submitted by ftm.zahroh on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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