IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Parents should encourage children to spend less time in studies and more time in physical activities. To what extent do you agree?

#parents #children #time #studies #activities
There is a belief that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 children
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to spend more time in physical activities rather than studying. I would disagree with
this
 opinion, as studying is as crucial as playing sports or doing any other physical
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercise
. There is a common notion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 every child
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to take part in outdoor activities, and it is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
more important than studying. There needs to be a balance between the classroom and playing a sport
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they both are essential in
overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
 development of
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 life.
However
, if a child has a talent and if he is exceptional at baseball, he should concentrate more on playing the sport, as he can be a successful sportsman and play for his country in the future.
Moreover
, physical activity could help in
maintining
Correct your spelling
maintaining
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 of
a children
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
, and not make them obese.
For example
, research has proven that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 people who play a sport or
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
, live longer than those who don't.
On the other hand
, doing only physical activity is not enough to make you successful, as only
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
 people have the skills and talent to make their career in sports. In fact, a vast majority of the people who play sports at
younger
Add an article
a younger
show examples
 age, end up doing
mediocore
Correct your spelling
mediocre
 jobs, because they didn't
paid
Change the verb form
pay
show examples
 attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 studies while they were in school. So, studies are
also
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
 part of
childrens
Correct your spelling
children's
children
 life.
For instance
, every famous
businessmen
Change to a singular noun
businessman
show examples
 was good at studies, and their business idea developed during their time at school. In conclusion, studying and doing physical activities is a balancing act, and both are
necessaary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for the overall development of a child.
Submitted by vimzauthority on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: