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Band 5

Some people think that too much attention and too many resources are given to the protection of wild animals and birds. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #attention #resources #protection #animals #birds
Many think that the public concerns and resources granted to wildlife conservation are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more than necessary.
However
, I do not concur with
this
 point of view as thousands of animals and birds out there are still facing the threat of being erased from the Earth every year. Admittedly, mankind’s awareness of the paramount importance of biodiversity has been on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 rise recently.
To begin
 with, stringent policies have been implemented to protect wild animals from being privately possessed by individuals whose main
purposes
Fix the agreement mistake
purpose
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 to exploit them for entertainment. In China,
for example
, pandas are only legally possessed by government bodies and whoever breaks the laws can be heavily fined or imprisoned. By conducting these principles, governments have alleviated the crisis of the panda population over the past few years. Had it not been for
this
 implementation, pandas could have been put on the verge of extinction or would
b
Correct your spelling
have
even
Correct your spelling
been
show examples
 completely erased from the Earth.
Nevertheless
,
such
 deeds are insufficient because of the following reasons. The first one is that the government only allocates a certain amount of the national budget for wild animal protection, engendering a lack of financial support in providing medical aid to all species.
This
 can be exemplified by the increasing number of extinct rhinoceroses in India whose inadequate finance acts as a deterrent in injecting chemicals into rhinoceroses’ horns to protect them from being hunted.
As a result
, those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are exempt from proper assistance may confront a higher probability of being killed by illegal poachers or hunters. In conclusion, it is true that some living species
are receiving
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 a high level of people’s attention and resources in certain places, but in others,
this
 is not the case and more attempts need to be made for the sake of genetic diversity
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task response
Ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the main points you are making, and provide more specific details to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay displays good logical structure and presents a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to link your ideas more explicitly throughout the essay to improve coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecological balance
  • species extinction
  • wildlife conservation
  • sustainable development
  • ecosystem services
  • habitat destruction
  • endangered species
  • conservation efforts
  • natural heritage
  • human encroachment
  • poaching
  • genetic diversity
  • climate change
  • environmental stewardship
  • protection measures
  • wildlife sanctuary
  • biological significance
  • conservation biology
  • environmental advocacy
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