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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening . Do you think the adavantages of this development outright the disadvantages ?

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Nowadays,
technology
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 is increasingly being used to monitor
people
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's activities and conversations, often without their knowledge.
While
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this
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 development can improve public safety and security, it
also
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 raises concerns about
privacy
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 and the
misuse
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 of personal information. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because constant surveillance can negatively affect
persons'
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people's
show examples
 freedom and trust. On the one hand, one major advantage of using
technology
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 to monitor
people
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 is to improve public security and crime prevention.
This
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 is because surveillance systems
such
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 as CCTV cameras or phone tracking help authorities identify suspicious activities and respond quickly in emergency situations.
For instance
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, many shopping malls, schools, colleges, and airports use these security cameras to prevent theft and ensure public safety.
As a result
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, monitoring
technology
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 helps reduce crime rates and creates a safer environment for individuals.
On the other hand
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, one of the major disadvantages of using
technology
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 to monitor
people
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 is the loss of
privacy
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, as individuals may feel that their personal freedom is being restricted.
This
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 is because their actions and conversations are constantly recorded, which could lead to the
misuse
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 of personal information.
For example
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, many companies monitor employees' emails and phone usage, which can make workers feel uncomfortable and less trusted.
Also
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, many bank-related crimes take place
due to
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 the
misuse
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 of
persons'
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people's
show examples
 personal information.
Therefore
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, excessive monitoring can create stress and increase the risk of
privacy
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 violations. In conclusion,
technology
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 is increasingly being used to monitor
people
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's actions and conversations for reasons of public safety and crime prevention.
However
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, I believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because constant surveillance can lead to
privacy
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 violations and
misuse
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 of personal details.

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task response
Make your main view even more clear in the body, not only in the start and end.
task response
Add one more strong and clear example for why the bad side is greater than the good side.
task response
Explain the bank crime example more clearly, because now the link is a bit weak.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care so each idea flows more smoothly to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Some points are clear, but a few ideas need more support and fuller explanation.
task response
You answer both sides and give your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow most of the time.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
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