In recent years, there has been growing interest in relatiosnhip between eqaulity and personel achievements. Some people beileve that individuals can achieve more in egalatarian socties. Others believe that high level of personel achievements are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

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Nowadays,

society

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knee

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a knee

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in how equality and personal achievement are related. There are two opposite thoughts regarding

this

Linking Words

topic. It is accepted that successful work can be done in a liberal environment

while

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other

people

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think success depends on a person's values. Human

rights

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and freedom of speech and ideas are the essential

factors

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which allow

people

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persuade

Verb problem

pursue

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their dreams and achieve them.

This

Linking Words

is what egalitarian societies suggest to their members.

People

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can be sure and feel safe that no one can prevent them

to reach

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from reaching

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their goals because there is a healthy competition where everyone has equal

rights

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and opportunities.

For example

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, the most well-known universities like Harvard, Oxford, MIT, and Cambridge are located in developed countries where they support equality within

society

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and they have so many international students who come from other parts of the world. They know that they will have opportunities which their own country doesn't give them. The reason why those universities are successful is that they were established in an environment where innovative and smart

people

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were allowed to realise their ideas without interventions and they were protected by civil

rights

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However

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, not all successful

people

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come from

such

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places. If we study history, there are many examples that individuals who were not allowed to bring new thoughts to

society

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or share their discoveries with others.

For instance

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, Malala was born in a

society

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where they don't respect women's

rights

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and don't let girls study.

Although

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she was threatened by killing, she followed her own beliefs and made a big impact on the whole world.

Therefore

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to achieve something does not only

depends

Correct subject-verb agreement

depend

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on outside

factors

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but

also

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the values that someone follows play an important role in the way go to target. In conclusion, individuals need both

factors

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to be successful. But no one should lose hope because they do have not both of them at the same time. In my opinion, self-confidence and self-awareness are the key

factors

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that help humans in order to live their dreams.

Submitted by zemamikayil on Fri Dec 16 2022

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coherence and cohesion

Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the main points and the conclusion summarizes the argument effectively.

task response

Develop each body paragraph with more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the argument.

coherence and cohesion

Well-structured essay with clear main points and arguments.

task response

Good use of examples to support the arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

339 words

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