IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that humans can use animals for their benefits. Others believe that this practice is wrong. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #humans #animals #practice
Human has used animal as a main ingredient for serving their lives in many
aspect
Change to a plural noun
aspects
show examples
such
 as food, fashion,
medicine
Correct word choice
and medicine
show examples
,....for a long period
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
.
However
, recently, because of the development in
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 knowledge and thought, there are many arguments appearing around
this
 problem, which can be divided into two main thinking trends: a group of people agree that the advantages getting from
animals
 can not be replaced and the
second
 idea disagrees about that. On the one hand, it’s obviously understandable
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why many people support the idea that we should stop
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
animals
 for our benefit.
First
 of all, advocators of the
first
 viewpoint suppose that animal is an irreplaceable protein source.
In contrast
, we have more choices for our life
such
 as lab-grown meat which should be paid more attention
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 and focused more
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 learning and
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
Correct article usage
the proccess
show examples
proccess
Correct your spelling
process
instead
 of
reliance
Replace the word
relying
show examples
 too much on natural meat. In recent year some companies have successfully created
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lab-grown meat whose
nutritions
Correct your spelling
nutrition
show examples
 and taste isn’t different to the real one.
However
, the only disturbing problem is that
this
 kind of meat’s price is much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
higher than the normal one, which
also
 means that it’s not a kind of food for everyone because they cannot pay for it.
In addition
 for anyone who
follow
Change the verb form
follows
show examples
 religious doctrine firmly believes that if we kill or
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
animals
 for eating purpose, we will receive bad karma in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 incarnation.
Besides
, the
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
 factor is
also
 practical which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
directly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life. Raising cattle
such
 as cows,
pigs
Correct word choice
and pigs
show examples
, .... produce a huge amount of greenhouse gases which human can not easily aware of it. These gases lead to a horrible consequence
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
our Earth’s ozone layer will be destroyed.
On the other hand
, in
medical
Add an article
a medical
show examples
experiment
Fix the agreement mistake
experiments
show examples
, the need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
lab-rats
Correct your spelling
lab rats
show examples
 is really important but we can partly replace them by doing experiments on prisoners who face
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
 penalty
instead
 because of
million
Correct article usage
the million
show examples
trials
Change preposition
of trials
show examples
 that need to be conducted every year. If we do that directly on
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body, we can get better and fastest results. In conclusion, I do support the viewpoint of less using
animals
 for our
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
. Changing our habit
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 from little
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 in our ability
such
 as using vegan products in fashion, food, etc to reduce the amount of killing
animals
 for getting human advantages.
Submitted by shynlee01 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: