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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In certain cultures,
children
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 are often told that if they strive to
work
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 hard they can achieve anything they wish. By perpetuating
this
Linking Words
idea
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to
Change preposition
in
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children
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, it could
shape
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 their perspective about their
goals
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 and
work
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 hard to achieve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
,Meanwhile
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 if these individuals forced themselves with
this
Linking Words
 notion, potentially it could drive them to feel overwhelmed which leads to anxiety and often feel not enough for their life and future. Teaching
children
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 to
work
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 harder in
order
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 to reach their
goals
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are
Change the verb form
is
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 essential to
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shape
Change the verb form
shaping
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 their perspectives on their dreams and futures.
Children
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 particularly in
this
Linking Words
 globalization era have
an
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the
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 inclination to become
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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lazy compared to young
people
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 who live in the 90s.
This
Linking Words
 is because the development of technology generates these individuals to become more passive. In
order
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 to make their dreams come true, young
people
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 need to devote their time and energy tenfold harder. By doing so, potentially those
goals
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 can be achieved.
This
Linking Words
 perspective or value is crucial to help these
people
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 to
shape
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 their mindset or paradigm about
goals
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 and futures.
However
Linking Words
, if young
people
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 are always perpetuated with
this
Linking Words
idea
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 for a long time, it will drive them to become overwhelmed which could lead to deteriorating their mental health including anxiety and feeling not enough for themselves. Burnout and stress are the two paramount mental disorder issues that the young generation currently facing at the moment. In some cultures, in the
U.S
Correct your spelling
U.S.
 and Indonesia,
for example
Linking Words
, these problems are prominent for young
people
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. Having a thought that “I am not enough” could undermine their self-confidence and they become more self-conscious about their quality. If the
idea
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 of dictating young
people
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 to
work
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 harder in
order
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 to achieve their dreams keeps happening, the number of victims of mental health issues will remain increasing in the future. In conclusion, the positive impacts of telling
children
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 to
work
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 harder in
order
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 to achieve anything in their life is pivotal because it helps them to
shape
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 their perspective and will
work
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 tenfold harder than average
children
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while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
idea
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also
Linking Words
 could lead the young generation to become overwhelmed and stressed which can deteriorate their mental health.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
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