IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness.

#people #money #factors #happiness
Money
 is considered by many
people
 to be one of the most contributing factors towards
happiness
. In my opinion,
people
 can not be fully happy without
money
, as the satisfaction of all basic needs costs
money
 and other aspects of
life
 can play a more vital role in creating
happiness
.
First
 of all, it is clear that
people
 can not be happy without
money
 in their
pocket
Fix the agreement mistake
pockets
show examples
.
Main
Add an article
The main
show examples
 cause of
this
 misfortune is not greed, but the fact that basic human needs can not be covered. Food, medicine, clothes and housing costs nowadays are very expensive and the salaries of average
people
 are only enough to cover basic needs. In that case, many can not even travel, they can not buy a new phone for years. A lot of
people
 are very careful with their clothes and wear
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for a long time, they are afraid
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 getting sick and
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in the same house for generations. Families can not talk about big plans for
life
 because they are busy looking for a solution to their budget constraints. It is clearly understood that
people
 can not be happy without enough
money
 because they spend all of their budget on basic human needs.
However
,
money
 is not the only way to be happy and real
happiness
 is about connecting with
people
 and finding yourself in your
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 activities.
People
 have always needed communication,
that is
 why
people
 create friendships, make a family and communicate with the world. When
people
 talk with each other and spend time together they feel peaceful and happier, communication is one of the main parts of
people
’s
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 and it brings joy equally
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
money
.
Also
, finding
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
,
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 hobbies and activities can help to relax,
feel
Correct word choice
and feel
show examples
 harmony and connection with
the
Change the word
your
show examples
 surrounding. Actions, which I mentioned before, are really simple and many may think
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not as important as
money
, but it is one of the reasons for
happiness
. To sum up,
money
 is a huge part of human
life
 and it can buy
people’s
Change noun form
people
show examples
happiness
, but some other aspects of human beings like communication with loved ones can bring joy and peace in
life
.
Submitted by gazizakanalbek on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: