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Band 7.5

In some countries, people encourage their children to get a job or to travel after their secondary education and before their university education. What are the advantages or disadvantages of doing so?

#countries #people #children #job #travel #education #university
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In some countries, it is commonly believed that children must provide their experiences either by finding jobs or travelling after the culmination of their secondary education and before entering university. There are numerous advantages and disadvantages to
this
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 belief which will be discussed in the following paragraphs. As far as I am concerned the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, individuals who finish high school education are known as mature and not only are they capable of living independently but
also
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 they are able to work or travel throughout the world on their own. Doing these sorts of activities causes gaining good experiences and exposure which can be helpful for living.
According to
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 research conducted at Harvard University, the previous students of
this
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 educational institution who are eminent and successful people today believed that doing these kinds of activities had made them able to enter college and approach various responsibilities so that they could adapt themselves to society more conveniently.
On the other hand
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, it can be considered as a mistake.
In other words
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, it is absolutely right that society members who finished high school are grown-ups at the age of at least 18, but it does not mean that they are able to work or travel on their own. To be precise, they are not ready yet and indeed it is better that parents give these opportunities to them later because by the passage of time, they can recognize themselves
further
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 and they can handle it in an easy way.
According to
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 a survey of young adults in some universities in Iran, just over three-quarters (with the exact amount of 77%) agreed that it is too soon to work or travel after high school independently.
According to
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 what has already been discussed in the above paragraphs, there are many pros and cons to travelling or working after they finish primary levels of education
while
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 the benefits outweigh the drawbacks that it is a necessity to do these kinds of activities before starting university.
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task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear position throughout the response, with an appropriate introduction and conclusion. However, the main points could be further expanded with more specific examples to support each argument.
coherence cohesion
You have organized the essay with an identifiable logical structure. While the main points are supported, the connections between ideas can be enhanced by using a wider range of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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