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Band 3.5

Ownership of mobile phones has risen dramatically in recent years despite the potentially harmful effects they may have on our health and on society. Government should introduce measures to restrict ownership to those who need them for their work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#ownership #phones #years #effects #health #society #government #measures #work
Nowadays, using mobile
phones
 is part of
people
's life. Everything you will do is
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 your
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
. I agree that even they know it is hazardous to
ones
Change noun form
one's
show examples
 health like exposure to
radiations
Fix the agreement mistake
radiation
show examples
 and blurring of vision, and
also
 it has effect
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our society, one of these is lack of communication.
First
 of all, using mobile
phones
 can cause harm to our health.
For example
, exposure to
radiations
Fix the agreement mistake
radiation
show examples
. We cannot deny that
using
Change preposition
by using
show examples
 our mobile
phones
, we are not free from radiation. Especially
if
Correct word choice
apply
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for those
people
 sleeping with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
phones
 underneath their
pillow
Fix the agreement mistake
pillows
show examples
. Some parents reported that their kids have seizure episodes of too much use of gadgets. And some
people
also
experiencing
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
 blurring of vision
because
Add the preposition
ofbecause
show examples
 too much exposure to mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
Secondly
, human beings are more attached to their
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
 and did not even realize the gap they are creating with their close friends or even with their families.
For example
, at the dinner table supposed to be they will have
conversation
Add an article
a conversation
show examples
 but some
people
 will rather spend their time on their mobile
phones
 than
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 with them personally. In my opinion, because of
widely
Replace the word
widespread
show examples
 use of electronics. Most of the ownership of
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
 cannot help
not
Correct word choice
but not
show examples
 to use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 through
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 gadgets they can do their job or
promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 and
selling
Wrong verb form
sell
show examples
 their product remotely. Even they are aware of possible health and
society
Replace the word
societal
show examples
 effect
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them.
Submitted by athena26 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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