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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays children has become more addicted to TV and because of that their physical activity level is decreasing. What can be the cause and possible solution to that?

In
this
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 day and age, the vast majority of youngsters could not live a day without sophisticated technologies
such
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 as TV, smartphone, laptop and etc.
Consequently
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, more and more undergraduates are suffering
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 low physical activity which causes both psychological and physical obstacles. In the forthcoming
paragraph
Add a comma
,paragraph
show examples
this
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 essay will discuss its possible consequences and solution with relevant examples.
First
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 and foremost, Not getting enough physical activity could lead to heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 even for people who have no other risk factors. It can
also
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 increase the likelihood of developing other heart disease risk factors, including obesity, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. On top of that, the mental health of
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
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 could
be significantly deteriorated
Change to the active voice
significantly deteriorate
have significantly deteriorated
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 since
the
Correct article usage
apply
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poor condition of health would entirely ruin the appeal of the individual. As a matter of fact, approximately 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of people who are struggling
against
Change preposition
with
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 obesity and heart issues tend to be in depression and
anxiety
Replace the word
anxious
show examples
.
Therefore
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, being sluggish because of addiction to
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 will considerably harm both physical and mental
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, in order to get rid of
this
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 paramount problem
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents should consider measures.
In other words
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, the guardians should make a proper talk with
offspring
Correct article usage
the offspring
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 and make an attempt to convince them about
dramatic
Correct article usage
the dramatic
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 consequences of it.
As a result
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, a youngster may realise the importance of
current
Add an article
the current
show examples
 issue and begin to decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
screen time step by step. To conclude, even though being indolent is quite harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 undergraduates,
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however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 it could be effortlessly solved by a proper talk between parent and offspring.

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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