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Band 4.5

Children are now less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #sports #lessons #school
The phenomenon of physical lessons
should be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 compulsory for the health of
children
 has aroused wide concern among various circles. Divergent as people's views on
this
 issue in question may be, I totally agree that schools should teach all
students
 how to do
sports
. Of all the reasons why all
children
 should receive
sports
 lessons, probably the most significant one is that it is an opportunity
for introducing
Change preposition
to introduce
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 interest in
sports
 to
students
. Once they find their favourite item,
then
 they may keep doing
sports
 by themself since they would like to move better on it.
For example
, Some
students
 would find that they are good at football during PE class. After that, they
keep
Wrong verb form
kept
show examples
 playing football and even graduated from
school
. Their body becomes stronger than others without notice.
As a result
, they gain a healthy body for their future. Another reason that should not be overlooked is that education should be all-around. All-around education means the
school
 should not only teach knowledge but
also
 help pupils develop healthy mentally and physically.
For instance
, schools would provide teachers and facilities in order to teach
students
sport
Correct subject-verb agreement
sports
show examples
 in the correct ways. Many pupils were injured because they
lack
Wrong verb form
lacked
show examples
a correct method to keep training their skills in their
sports
 item.
Therefore
, it is necessary to teach
sports
 in
school
 in case an accident occurs in the
children
. Under
this
 line of thinking, I completely agree with the idea that physical lessons becoming compulsory in
school
 would bring more benefits to
children
 and why physical activities are important to kids.
Submitted by frankyimp on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, with a sequence of ideas. However, the coherence and cohesion can be improved by better organizing the ideas and developing clearer transitions between paragraphs.
task achievement
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be further developed to provide a stronger and more engaging framework for the essay. Additionally, the ideas presented are relevant to the topic, but the response could be more in-depth and include more specific examples to support the points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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