IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should been encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders etc. to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #university #education #work #car #mechanics #builders #society
It is often debated, some people believe that youngsters should serve
society
 by working as mechanics or builders after they graduated from high school, while others think that achieving
further
 education in university is the best decision. There are some arguments
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 both ideas that I will discuss in
this
 essay. On the one hand, opponents of higher education say that earning money at a young
age
 is better to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
age
. The teenager will have proper finance
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they start working earlier.
Hence
, people will be independent to support their life when they turn to adulthood.
Furthermore
, young
age
 is the perfect time to provide
society
Replace the word
social
show examples
 services because they do not have any responsibility
serving
Change the verb form
to serve
show examples
 their family. The youth have more free time to enjoy their life, so it is wiser to be used for
working
Change the form of the verb
work
show examples
 that needs more power.
On the other hand
, though, proponents of
this
 view argue that young
age
 is the best moment to learn more because of the great spirit which is very familiar for exploring knowledge. The students can learn the principal science, so they can serve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 greater by optimal implementation in their future workplace.
In addition
, the teenager can get a better job which pays a more fantastic salary with
effortless
Correct article usage
an effortless
show examples
 workload. The proper creativity development
that is
 gained from
university
Add an article
a university
show examples
 leads the
graduated
Replace the word
graduate
show examples
 student to be a leader in the company.
For example
, mechanical engineers manage the service station effortlessly while receiving a profitable fee. Overall, both opinions have specific benefits for teenagers and the community.
However
, it seems to me that working as graduated university
youngsters
Fix the agreement mistake
youngster
show examples
 is worth serving
society
 optimally and profitably
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: