IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many customs and traditional ways of behaviors are no longer relevant to the modern life and no worth keeping. Do you agree or disagree?

It is claimed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that there is no point in keeping traditions and cultural approaches in modern society. I disagree with the statement because traditional aspects make us what we are as human beings.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 have been developing some conventional ways to connect with inhabitants.
In other words
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, customs and cultural behaviours strengthen our bonds among
people
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes us safe and strong against possible threats
such
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 as invasion or civil war.
For example
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, India is the fountain of customs where citizens
have been
Verb problem
apply
show examples
still
following
Wrong verb form
follow
show examples
 their old habits in clothes and in religion.
Therefore
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, despite the occupation of many nations throughout history, they managed to protect their land and bonds
due to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
following
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their rich culture.
By contrast
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 support the fact that old habits should be abandoned to fit into modern life. Individuals should wear clothes related to the 21st century
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as ties
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and suits. To make it clear, supposing someone who appears in court is not recommended to dress
regarding
Change preposition
according
show examples
 culture,
otherwise
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 they can have a negative impression on the judge .
Moreover
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, some traditional approaches can lead to
unpleasing
Use the right word
unpleasant
show examples
 problems.
For example
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, in some nations, women are not allowed to work but stay home, cook and raise a child.
This
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 can cause gender inequality and become
Correct article usage
an obstacles
show examples
obstacles
Fix the agreement mistake
obstacle
show examples
 to the career paths of women.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
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 following certain traditional habits may lead to unwanted thoughts, they have great importance and
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 help to make a bridge among citizens.

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improvement
Clearly state your view at the start and keep all ideas tied to it. Give more details for each main idea so your point is clear.
improvement
Link your parts with simple join words like 'and','but','also','for example', and end with a short rest on what you say.
strength
The writer shows a clear view on traditions.
strength
There are good examples to back points.
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