IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The continued increase in obesity is the greatest problem faced by developed countries at the present time. What are the causes of this continued increase? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by developed countries today?

#obesity #countries #time
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Most developed
countries
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 are facing now, the problem of
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
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 in
number
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a number
the number
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 of overweight
people
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.
This
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 problem can have
multipe
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multiple
 reasons , we will
duscuss
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discuss
 some of them in
this
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 essay and I personally opine the idea of the proponents.
Firstly
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,
People
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 in developed
countries
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 are having unhealthy
lifestyle
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lifestyles
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such
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 as eating fast
food
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 and
no
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having no
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 balanced diet.The
consquence
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consequence
 of
that is
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 the growth in
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a number
the number
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number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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obesity even for children.
For
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example
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,example
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 studies
shows
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show
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 that most young
people
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 in
USA
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the USA
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 are overweight because of eating junk
food
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 and they are lazy to cook at home.
Linking Words
Moreover
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,Moreover
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 they have more chances to have a heart attack in the future.
Morover
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Moreover
,
people
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 are lazy to cook healthy
food
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 at home because they don't have time after a long day at work as
results
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result
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 of that they order online
food
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.
Secoundly
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Secondly
,
population
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the population
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 in rich
countries
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 are less
practicing
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practising
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 sports or they have a sedentary life,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with
people
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 from poor
countries
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 that live a hard life and work in some professional that need physical power like construction. As a
results
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result
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 of that the proportion of obesity is very high in developed
countries
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. Nowadays, after
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coronavirus
coronavuris
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,coronavuris
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 most
people
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 in rich
countries
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 are working remotely and spend more time sitting at home without any
exercises
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exercise
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. in conclusion,the
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
obisity
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obesity
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased and
this
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 is one of
biggest
Correct article usage
the biggest
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 problems faced by developed
countries
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 at the present time, in my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
 To curb
this
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 problem,
people
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 need to make self-aware and with the help of
government
Correct article usage
the government
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, local organizations should step forward and educate society more about its bad effects.
Submitted by youssef.chamekh98 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • prevalence
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • calorie intake
  • nutrition
  • balanced diet
  • economic factors
  • caloric intake
  • marketing strategies
  • genetically predisposed
  • metabolic rates
  • physical activity
What to do next:
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