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Band 5.5

The continued increase in obesity is the greatest problem faced by developed countries at the present time. What are the causes of this continued increase? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by developed countries today?

#obesity #countries #time
Most developed
countries
 are facing now, the problem of
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of overweight
people
.
This
 problem can have
multipe
Correct your spelling
multiple
 reasons , we will
duscuss
Correct your spelling
discuss
 some of them in
this
 essay and I personally opine the idea of the proponents.
Firstly
,
People
 in developed
countries
 are having unhealthy
lifestyle
Change the noun form
lifestyles
show examples
such
 as eating fast
food
 and
no
Add a missing verb
having no
show examples
 balanced diet.The
consquence
Correct your spelling
consequence
 of
that is
 the growth in
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
obesity even for children.
For
example
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,example
show examples
 studies
shows
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show
show examples
 that most young
people
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 are overweight because of eating junk
food
 and they are lazy to cook at home.
Moreover
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,Moreover
show examples
 they have more chances to have a heart attack in the future.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
,
people
 are lazy to cook healthy
food
 at home because they don't have time after a long day at work as
results
Fix the agreement mistake
result
show examples
 of that they order online
food
.
Secoundly
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Secondly
,
population
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the population
show examples
 in rich
countries
 are less
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 sports or they have a sedentary life,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with
people
 from poor
countries
 that live a hard life and work in some professional that need physical power like construction. As a
results
Correct the article-noun agreement
result
show examples
 of that the proportion of obesity is very high in developed
countries
. Nowadays, after
Correct your spelling
coronavirus
coronavuris
Add a comma
,coronavuris
show examples
 most
people
 in rich
countries
 are working remotely and spend more time sitting at home without any
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
. in conclusion,the
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
obisity
Correct your spelling
obesity
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased and
this
 is one of
biggest
Correct article usage
the biggest
show examples
 problems faced by developed
countries
 at the present time, in my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
 To curb
this
 problem,
people
 need to make self-aware and with the help of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, local organizations should step forward and educate society more about its bad effects.
Submitted by youssef.chamekh98 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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