IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Obesity
Use synonyms
 is the main
health
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 problem
that is
Linking Words
 very crucial for
children
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 because it cannot be
recovered
Rephrase
fully recovered
show examples
 100%. The communities believe that the government has
become
Verb problem
failed
show examples
 to manage and
control
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 the rise in
obesity
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 in
children
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. In my opinion, I slightly agree with
this
Linking Words
 mindset.
This
Linking Words
 essay will represent the solution that authorities can select for the
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
reduction
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 of young
's
Check wording
people's
show examples
obesity
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reduction
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they need to force products that are related to
health
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 issues impacts
such
Linking Words
 as candy and chocolate. These days,
sugar
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 products are easily accessible to
a child
Check wording
children
show examples
 by using cartoon characters for advertisement, or for sale at lower prices that are comfortable for kids to buy them.
This
Linking Words
 is the responsibility of the majority to
control
Use synonyms
 the
sugar
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 price by increasing some taxes to make it more expensive for
children
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 to buy it.
In addition
Linking Words
, they have to establish some legal that can
control
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 total
sugar
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product
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 consumption.
For example
Linking Words
, if the laws are related to
Use synonyms
control
Punctuation problem
control,
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 each family cannot buy
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sugar
Correct word order
apply
show examples
more than 5 Kg of
each
Correct word order
sugar each
show examples
 day
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
This
Linking Words
 contribution will reduce total
sugar
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product
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sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 because each family need to neglect some unnecessary
product
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 which has the opportunity to be candies or chocolates.
Thus
Linking Words
, legal and financial solutions can become alternative ways that have indirectly affected younger people.
In addition
Linking Words
, public
health
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 must
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 about the total
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number
Check wording
amount
show examples
 of
sugar
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 in each
piece
Check wording
apply
show examples
product
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. The government has to distinguish products that have
Use synonyms
sugar more
Correct word order
more sugar
show examples
 than the body needs in a day.
Although
Linking Words
 there are some countries selected to use
this
Linking Words
 method to decrease young
Use synonyms
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 patients, the result becomes unsuccessful because of
uncontinuous
Correct your spelling
discontinuous
control
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.
Authority
Correct article usage
The authority
show examples
 should send some scientific staff to each
sugar
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product
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 factory to recheck whether
sugar
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 levels are under
control
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 or not,
for instance
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, laboratory testing can directly affect a
number
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 of these
health
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 issues in
children
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taking
Punctuation problem
, taking
show examples
 a nosedive. In conclusion,
obesity
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 is a major
health
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 issue around the world.
This
Linking Words
 essay represents the option for the government to
control
Use synonyms
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of young patients based on
obesity
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State your view clearly in the opening line and keep a steady plan through the essay. Each paragraph should have one main idea that supports your view.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas better. Use simple words like first, also, but, and finally to guide the reader from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Make the intro and conclusion stronger. Say what you will argue and sum up what you showed.
task response
Give more strong reasons and explain them with clear facts or examples. Do not stay with small or unclear points.
relevant specific examples
Add a clear example for each idea; explain why that example supports your point.
task response
Watch for odd phrases and grammar. Shorter sentences help make the idea clear.
strength
The essay has a clear aim and talks about a real issue.
strength
It uses policy ideas like taxes on sugar and checks on sugar in shops.
structure
There is a basic shape of intro, body and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
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