IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8.5

To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim.

In today’s material-driven society, many people equate happiness with wealth, accomplishment, and professional accomplishments.
However
Linking Words
, genuine fulfilment is not found in material possessions but in the quality of our relationships.
Although
Linking Words
 financial achievement may be desirable, it is meaningful connections with friends, colleagues, and family that truly lead to a happy life.
This
Linking Words
 idea is supported by the lonely lives of wealthy celebrities and the wisdom shared by the elderly. Fame and fortune do not guarantee emotional well-being, as demonstrated by numerous wealthy celebrities who live in isolation. The entertainment industry,
for example
Linking Words
, is often described as cutthroat, where betrayal for the sake of success is not uncommon.
As a result
Linking Words
, many stars struggle with loneliness, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. These examples highlight that money and recognition cannot replace the value of a supportive social circle.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the advice of older generations consistently emphasizes the importance of personal relationships. Elderly individuals often urge younger people to prioritize emotional bonds over material gains. They share stories and life lessons underscoring how strong friendships and family ties contribute to lasting happiness. Their lived experiences suggest that contentment stems not from wealth, but from the love and trust built with others. In conclusion, genuine happiness is rooted in meaningful relationships rather than material success. As people age, they often come to understand that emotional connections bring more satisfaction than any financial achievement. The more love and trust we give to those around us, the more joy we receive in return.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has only one main idea.
task achievement
Add a clearer introduction that outlines your main points more directly.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Your examples of celebrities effectively support your point.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion clearly restates your main idea.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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