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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 254 words.

#society #numbers #people
Nowadays with
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 improvement
of
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in
show examples
 life, due to
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of technology and medicine, seems that life is longer than in the past.
This
 factor brings to a problem that has not to be underestimated: the growing presence of old
people
 in societies. The problems related to elderly
people
 are individual and social,
therefore
 both society and government should find a method with which is possible to face the situations without creating
other crucial issue
Change the wording
another crucial issue
other crucial issues
show examples
. Regarding individual problems, is closely connected to the single old person, which more often
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
left alone without any help,
whitouth
Correct your spelling
without
 any relative, that could give him assistance. In fact, becoming old
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 many
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
illness that an old person
need
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needs
show examples
 to cope with,
first
 of
all
Add the comma(s)
,all
show examples
 dementia. A solution could be the
increase
of
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apply
show examples
the number of care homes and of
people
,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 private
nursery
Fix the agreement mistake
nurseries
show examples
 which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not too expensive as they are subsidized by the government. As
fas
Correct your spelling
far
show examples
 as the social problem,
this
 is connected to the economy of the state. With the
increase
 of elderly
people
 in society that keep working until
late
Add an article
a late
show examples
 age, the job offer for the youngest is less.
This
 issue
lead
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leads
show examples
 to other problems,
for instance
, an
increase
of
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in
show examples
 criminality and depression. A method that the government could adopt
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
to lower the retirement age, leaving
instead
 younger
people
 to enter in
job
Add an article
the job
show examples
 market.
Furthermore
, another approach could be the
increase
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the job offer, so that all
people
, both old and young, could have the possibility to work
Submitted by frinfri93 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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