IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In
this
Linking Words
 modern world, it is
irrefutable
Correct article usage
an irrefutable
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 fact that children are widely influenced by scrolling social media and following their star athletes. Well, it is a good thing that children can get different kinds of knowledge from celebrities
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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problem
Correct article usage
the problem
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 is that children do not learn any good things from the start. So I strongly believe that it is a negative trend in the world.
To begin
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 with, infants are addicted to spending a lot of time on social media applications
such
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 as Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat
Punctuation problem
. at
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at
Change preposition
On
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 those
platforms
Punctuation problem
platforms,
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 they find their dream actor or sports player and start to follow their routine life
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 they
also
Linking Words
 want to implement those habits in their life.
In addition
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,
while
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 following starts offsprings forget in which society they are living. Adults' behaviour change in front of their parents.
Moreover
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,
Once
Fix capitalization
once
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 students started to admire their stars or favourite athlete player they forget to set their future goals and
also
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 go
on
Change preposition
off on
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 a
side track
Check wording
tangent
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.
For example
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, one research conducted by The Times of India found that 70% of school students lost their concentration
while
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 studying because of a lot of usage of social media
.
Check wording
usage.
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 After a few
,
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apply
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days
Punctuation problem
days,
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 offspring
are
Verb problem
do
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 not
obeyed
Wrong verb form
obey
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 their parents' and teachers' talk and
then
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 in the future they will be stuck in big trouble. In conclusion, Infants follow their dream buddy without getting in-depth knowledge of that celebrity. They do not know their journey to becoming a star and forget to set a goal for what he/she
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to become in future. So
again
Punctuation problem
again,
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 I reaffirm my opinion that it is a totally negative trend.

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task response
Plan your writing before you start. Say your view in the first paragraph and keep to it.
logical structure
Use one idea in each paragraph and start with a clear sentence about the point.
introduction conclusion present
Finish with a short end that restates your view.
supported main points
Back each point with a simple, real example or fact.
specific examples
Choose clear and true examples and avoid wrong facts or ideas.
coherence
Use small linking words to show order (First, Next, Then, Finally).
stance
The essay shows a clear view that the trend is bad.
structure
There is an introduction, body and conclusion.
coherence
Some linking words are used in places.
content
There is an effort to give example and reason.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • media personalities
  • sports icons
  • role models
  • admiration
  • influence
  • behavior
  • mindset
  • values
  • unethical behavior
  • healthy lifestyles
  • social media platforms
  • celebrity culture
  • career aspirations
  • educational goals
  • positive change
  • ethical standards
  • amplify
  • idolize
  • public perception
  • impressionable
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