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Band 6.5

The internet has transformed how we interact and live in many great ways, but has also created problems that didn’t exist before. What are the more serious problems caused by the internet and what solutions could you suggest?

#internet #didn’t
The emergence of the
internet
 has changed our lives in many ways but has
also
 caused issues that didn't exist before.
Due to
 the prevalence of the
internet
, several
problems
such
 as
health
 deterioration and
children
 being exposed to harmful
content
 have occurred.
However
, these issues can be solved through some solutions.
To begin
 with, as the
internet
 gained popularity, various
problems
 have emerged.
Firstly
, people's
overall
health
 condition has decreased. To illustrate, a lot of people are addicted to various kinds of social media and
thus
, it leads to increased screen time.
As a result
, the majority of them struggled with decreased eyesight and focus.
Second,
the usage of the
internet
 is highly negative to
children
 as they are exposed to violent and sexual
content
 without any regulations.
For example
, they can face a myriad of videos, images, and writings via the
Internet
, and not all
content
 is informative or educational. Some can be totally harmful to juveniles.
Nevertheless
, these
problems
 can be alleviated through several measures.
First,
individuals who use the
internet
 should do a regular workout. By doing the exercise, they can prevent
health
 deterioration.
Moreover
, the government should impose caps on violent
content
.
In addition
, they should censor the contents and only allow constructive information to
children
.
To conclude
, indeed, the
internet
 has transformed how we interact and live.
Although
this
 trend has some
problems
 like decreased
health
 conditions and excessive exposure to harmful
content
, there are
also
 several ways to tackle the issues.
First,
individuals need to constantly exercise to stay healthy.
Second,
the government should regulate the usage of the
Internet
 by
children
.
Submitted by aahhyu111 on

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coherence cohesion
Be careful with repetitive structures and try varying your sentence constructions to enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the provided solutions by including more detailed examples or exploring how these solutions could be implemented effectively.
general
Pay attention to slight grammatical errors and work on improving your grammatical range for a more polished essay.
task achievement
You successfully identified problems and provided corresponding solutions, maintaining a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids in understanding.
task achievement
Your use of examples to support your points helps in making your argument more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cyberbullying
  • anonymity
  • data breaches
  • privacy
  • internet addiction
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • misinformation
  • fake news
  • automation
  • artificial intelligence
  • job displacement
  • security threats
  • scams
  • phishing
  • identity theft
  • social isolation
  • extremism
  • radicalization
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