IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Mothers play key roles in the upbringing of children. But in the recent times both parents are getting busy with professional life. Who in your opinion should take the responsibility of child care now?

#mothers #roles #upbringing #children #times #parents #life #responsibility #child #care
For all parents,
children
 are
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 crucial and expensive
Correct quantifier usage
piece of jewelry
show examples
jewelry
Change the spelling
jewellery
show examples
 on the earth. While in
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
 times, people think that
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
women only have
role
Add an article
a role
the role
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 looking after their
children
,
men
Correct word choice
and men
show examples
 have responsible for earning money. In
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 decades many things were changed in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of caring
children
Change preposition
for children
show examples
. In my opinion,
husband
Add an article
the husband
a husband
show examples
 needs to more
attend
Replace the word
attention
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 growing their young than
wife
Add an article
a wife
the wife
show examples
. The main reason for my thinking is every child is born from their mother’s body
first
, so she already had
play
Change the verb form
played
show examples
 in
role
Add an article
the role
a role
show examples
 for
child
Add an article
the child
show examples
. I believe it is the heaviest biological process in the world that affect to health of both mother and baby. There are some studies resulted that the mother is dead in one case of each ten thousand births in
developing
Add an article
a developing
show examples
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
such
 as India,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Mongolia etc.
In addition
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
woman
Add an article
the woman
a woman
show examples
 always discarded their professional career because of their babies.
Thus
, the time for
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
 will be coming for them after birth. When the woman is pregnant or
breast-feeding
Correct your spelling
breastfeeding
show examples
, the spouse has many opportunities for
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
work and study. So now it is man’s turn for
upbringing
Add an article
the upbringing
show examples
 of
children
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
other hand
Change the wording
another hand
other hands
show examples
, it is impossible
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 daddy looks after their
children
 like mommy. Unless they plan to grow up their
children
 as healthy as they want, women need to spend more time
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
children
 than
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
Add an article
a job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. To sum up,
although
 women are more talented than men
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 taking responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 play a key role in
birth
Add an article
the birth
show examples
 and they must use
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 opportunities as
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 including working and studying.
Submitted by tntemuulen54 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: