Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Nowadays, the methods of living
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
changed considerably,
while
the
children
’s positions have undergone more than the rest age group people. I totally agree with the
giving
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
statement, believing that the new world has a noticeable potential to harm
children
through junk
food
and computer games, and two powerful organs, family and school, can manage these
problems
.
This
essay intends to express my perspective.
First,
it can be seen that people tend to consume fast
food
due to
not having enough time, in spite of international health organs struggling.
As a consequence
, the
children
are accustomed to having junk
food
as a normal nourishment.
Therefore
, they are deprived of healthy nourishment and needless to say, they suffer from various diseases. As a vivid example, in
this
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
youngsters have a lot of allergic
problems
which can
solve
Wrong verb form
be solved
show examples
by parents and
also
the educational system.
Hence
if they provide healthy
food
for them, the
problems
will
reduce
Wrong verb form
be reduced
show examples
remarkably.
Next,
regarding the technology era, the young generation spends significant time playing computer games.
Therefore
, they have fewer physical activities in comparison with the past.
As a result
, they will have been lazy, unfit and patient.
For instance
, bone
problems
for kids are common these days.
In addition
, the lack of confidence among young people is a dramatic result of it. Eventually, society confronts unhealthy kids more than in the past and it continues to do so.
To sum up
,
whereas
the alarms of scientists
children
are exposed to terrible conditions owing to the new lifestyle and I totally agree with
this
. Both of the most important power hand, family and school, can manage
this
challenge and help
children
to avoid consuming unhealthy
food
and
also
overusing computers for entertainment.
Submitted by ebrahimisara1369 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more clearly defined. Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the essay. Use topic sentences in each paragraph to introduce the main point.
Task Achievement
The response is mostly complete with clear ideas and relevant examples, but the introduction and conclusion need to be improved. Ensure that the essay addresses all aspects of the prompt and stays focused on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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