IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. What are your opinions about this?

#countries #children #work #people #responsibilities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is quite popular to see many
children
Use synonyms
 across the globe actively participating in
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 jobs where they earn a small amount of
money
Use synonyms
 for themselves.
Although
Linking Words
 it is seen as a valuable
experience
Use synonyms
 and a learning opportunity for them about being responsible, others may disagree. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss my opinions on the above-mentioned.
Firstly
Linking Words
, to make
better functioning
Add a hyphen
better-functioning
show examples
 adults for the future, it is necessary to equip
children
Use synonyms
 with the required
experience
Use synonyms
 during their childhood. When
children
Use synonyms
 engage in paid
work
Use synonyms
, they learn the value of
money
Use synonyms
 and how hard it is to earn it. So, in the future, they will hesitate to waste it and be respectful of every worker in every job as they have an understanding of how hard it is to earn a cent. So, by letting
children
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 we can build responsible and sensible adults for the future.
Secondly
Linking Words
, working
experience
Use synonyms
 will be an added qualification for their life. In my personal
experience
Use synonyms
, I gained so much knowledge about how the storage shelves are maintained,
book keeping
Correct your spelling
bookkeeping
show examples
 and how to engage in polite conversations with customers to solve problems during my
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 in
College
Correct article usage
the College
show examples
 grocery store as a store assistant.
Also
Linking Words
, while gaining
those kind
Change the determiner
that kind
those kinds
show examples
 of experiences I was
also
Linking Words
 able to manage my finances with the little
money
Use synonyms
 I got. Would I ever find
such
Linking Words
Use synonyms
experience
Correct article usage
an experience
show examples
 if I was at home being fed by my parents?
However
Linking Words
, there are some people
argue
Correct pronoun usage
who argue
show examples
 that paid
work
Use synonyms
 is a silly way of spoiling
children
Use synonyms
. When
children
Use synonyms
 have too much
money
Use synonyms
 in their hands, they often tend to think
themselves
Change preposition
of themselves
show examples
 as independent and superior individuals whereas in real life they are not.
This
Linking Words
 will eventually be hard on the parents as their kids are out of control. In conclusion, I believe incorporating working during childhood will eventually produce
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 experienced and sensible humans which is beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by Nimz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: