IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. What are your opinions about this?

#countries #children #work #people #responsibilities
It is quite popular to see many
children
 across the globe actively participating in
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 jobs where they earn a small amount of
money
 for themselves.
Although
 it is seen as a valuable
experience
 and a learning opportunity for them about being responsible, others may disagree. In
this
 essay, I will discuss my opinions on the above-mentioned.
Firstly
, to make
better functioning
Add a hyphen
better-functioning
show examples
 adults for the future, it is necessary to equip
children
 with the required
experience
 during their childhood. When
children
 engage in paid
work
, they learn the value of
money
 and how hard it is to earn it. So, in the future, they will hesitate to waste it and be respectful of every worker in every job as they have an understanding of how hard it is to earn a cent. So, by letting
children
work
 we can build responsible and sensible adults for the future.
Secondly
, working
experience
 will be an added qualification for their life. In my personal
experience
, I gained so much knowledge about how the storage shelves are maintained,
book keeping
Correct your spelling
bookkeeping
show examples
 and how to engage in polite conversations with customers to solve problems during my
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
work
 in
College
Correct article usage
the College
show examples
 grocery store as a store assistant.
Also
, while gaining
those kind
Change the determiner
that kind
those kinds
show examples
 of experiences I was
also
 able to manage my finances with the little
money
 I got. Would I ever find
such
experience
Correct article usage
an experience
show examples
 if I was at home being fed by my parents?
However
, there are some people
argue
Correct pronoun usage
who argue
show examples
 that paid
work
 is a silly way of spoiling
children
. When
children
 have too much
money
 in their hands, they often tend to think
themselves
Change preposition
of themselves
show examples
 as independent and superior individuals whereas in real life they are not.
This
 will eventually be hard on the parents as their kids are out of control. In conclusion, I believe incorporating working during childhood will eventually produce
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 experienced and sensible humans which is beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by Nimz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: