IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
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In
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 present times, celebrities becoming known for their glamour and wealth rather than their achievements are setting bad examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
. I vehemently agree with
this
Linking Words
 given statement.
This
Linking Words
 essay will expound
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my point of view and provide credible examples.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the most discernible aspect is that it corrupts the minds of the young ones that material and physical things are most important. To clarify properly,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
 will neglect values like diligence and perseverance and will just focus on how to become rich and famous. An optimal example of
this
Linking Words
 can be the business tycoons,
where
Correct word choice
which
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are known
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 how many corporations they have. Little that the youth knows that it was
due to
Linking Words
 their
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and determination that bought those business tycoons
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 where they are now. Another point worth considering is the
neglection
Replace the word
neglect
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 of talents and skills. It is deemed that achievements accomplished by an individual
is
Change the verb form
are
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 what
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 him a significant figure of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
For instance
Linking Words
, Elon Musk is
repsonsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for the successful production of
Tesla
Correct article usage
the Tesla
show examples
 car, a
fully powered
Add a hyphen
fully-powered
show examples
 electric vehicle. But unfortunately,
people
Use synonyms
 only knew him
of
Change preposition
as
show examples
 being the wealthiest man in the world. In conclusion, celebrities are setting bad examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the young
people
Use synonyms
 of today
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that what they have accomplished and achieved
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 blanketed by their glamour and wealth.
The celebrities
Correct article usage
Celebrities
show examples
Add the comma(s)
, as well as the society,
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society should be role models for the youth
for
Correct word choice
so
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 to grow up and be
a respectable individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
a respectable individual
respectable individuals
show examples
.
Submitted by bambam.alexis on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
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