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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the population of turtles in India from 1980 to 2012

The graph shows the population of turtles in India from 1980 to 2012
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The line graph illustrates a demographic statistic for 4 types of tortoise in India between 1980 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 Olive Ridley
Turtles
Use synonyms
 had a moderate increase
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1996, and
however
Linking Words
, fluctuated since 1996, the Leatherback
Turtles
Use synonyms
 skyrocketed and had a downward trend to 2012.
In addition
Linking Words
, Green
Turtles
Use synonyms
 and All Species were about the same
level
Change the noun form
levels
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. With regard to the
amount
Use synonyms
 of “Olive Ridley
Turtles
Use synonyms
”
this
Linking Words
 type had 100 numbers in 1980 but it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
moderately increased and reached a peak
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1996, it was 140 index but not for a long time and it
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
began
Change the verb form
begun
show examples
 to fluctuate.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
2012 the
amount
Use synonyms
 was almost 120,
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can not be said about others.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
amount
Use synonyms
 of Leatherback
Turtles
Use synonyms
 which was 110 had a dramatic decrease from 1986 and slightly less than 60 in
2012
Change the article
the 2012
show examples
 year. The
amount
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 of Green
Turtles
Use synonyms
 had a slight decrease and in 1980 it was 100, to 2012 it reached 90.
In addition
Linking Words
, the number of all species
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in 1980
also
Linking Words
 100 had an insignificant rise to a bit less than 110.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words turtles, amount with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "moderate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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