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Band 5.5

Some people believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and uses up the world's fuel resources. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #air #travel #pollution #world #fuel #resources
It is true that aeroplanes give off a number of exhaustive fumes and
also
 consume natural fuel more than we thought.
While
 many people argue that air excursions should be restricted to prevent pollution, I believe that governments should consider their advantages. There are two main reasons why going abroad by airway is an apparent demerit. First of all, aeroplanes nowadays are becoming increasingly prevalent
due to
 their fast speed and convenience.
But
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 it is accompanied by the releasing process of many toxic fumes, which cause holes in the ozone layer.
Thus
, Ultraviolet ray, which is one of the most dangerous light, can pierce through the atmosphere layer and endanger natural life, especially humans with weak skin.
Secondly
, it is obvious that one flight of a plane consumes an amount of fuel
that is
 ten times equivalent to that of cars.
As a result
, it not only brings sound pollution but
also
 leads to the situation of lacking energy later on. Apart from the adverse impacts that I mentioned above, I still hold the view that air flying could bring us tremendous benefits.
To begin
 with, air travel is a potential
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 field in both finance and tourism terms because it offers various occupation opportunities. If aeroplanes are banned,
it is clear that
this
 will result in the degradation of the whole economy.
Moreover
, the aeroplane can be considered one of the most innovative inventions
due to
 the fact that it helps mankind to perform things that seem impossible.
While
 on-air travel could help us go from the UK to the US in less than a day, their sea counterpart takes at least 3 or 4 days for an excursion with the risk of shipwrecks that spoil oil into the sea.
Therefore
, it would be a waste of time for many if planes
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 restricted. In short,
while
 I concur that to some certain extent,
oversea
Fix the agreement mistake
overseas
show examples
 trips by plane should be restricted because they cause severe pollution and fuel
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
, I believe that their economic advantages should not be eclipsed.
Submitted by tadaylahaha on

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task response
You should fully address the prompt by expressing your opinion clearly and providing supporting arguments. Make sure to state your position clearly in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally follows a logical structure, but there is room for improvement. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main argument.
lexical resource
You demonstrate a good range of vocabulary, but there are a few instances where your word choice could be more precise. Try to use more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range
Overall, your grammatical range is satisfactory. However, there are some errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and subject-verb agreement. Review your grammar to improve your accuracy.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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