IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
Childhood
obesity
 is one of the leading
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
children
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 today, which is
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 concern because it can lead to other serious medical conditions like heart
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
, high pressure and type 2 diabetes.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
show examples
 think that
government
 is responsible
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the increasing number of obese
children
, I totally disagree that
government
 is accountable
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 issue and has only played
lesser
Add an article
a lesser
show examples
role
.
Change noun form
Government's
show examples
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
role
 in
obesity
 mostly focus
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 interventions and policies
such
 as national surveillance,
obesity
 education and awareness,
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can pursue
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school-based nutrition program
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for example
 all the
children
 are only
obligate
Replace the word
obligated
show examples
 to put nutritious food like vegetables and fruits in their lunchbox
while
 sugary foods like commercial juices, chocolates and candies are ban. In
this
way
Add a comma
,way
show examples
 they can teach the
children
 to eat healthy and balance diet. They can help
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 interventions and giving
policy
Fix the agreement mistake
policies
show examples
 to the schools in order for the youngster to avoid gaining extra weight.
However
, changing
lyfestyle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
lifestyles
 and dietary patterns
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major
role
 in
obesity
 in
children
. In the technological world today
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
having
ipad
Correct your spelling
iPad
, smartphones, video games and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 glued the
children
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 devices and technology. They spent hours in screen time and playing video games,
while
 these young ones should go outside and play outdoors to burn some calories and promote good circulation.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 their dietary patterns are more likely to be unhealthy, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people often go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
restaurant and eat fast foods, that contains more fats, calories and sugar.
Therefore
 the chances of gaining weight
is increase
Change the verb form
is increased
is increasing
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
government
 have an important
role
 in rising
obesity
 among
children
, parents have
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 major control. As they said everything starts in the house, parents should educate and be a good example to their
children
.
Submitted by leoriemadeo1287 on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
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