IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.

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Nowadays, many kids are addicted to spending time on mobile
phones
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. I believe the lack of censorship on the content provided on
phones
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 is the major cause of
this
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 trend and in my opinion,
this
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 is a negative phenomenon. Products and services provided on smartphones often contain unhealthy or intriguing elements.
For instance
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, pornography and toxic games. When there is no sufficient restriction on their availability to pupils.
Subsequently
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, young people who have little experience or determination to deter these tempts can easily develop addiction towards them.
Hence
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 they end up spending hours every day consuming
this
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 information on mobile
phones
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. For me,
this
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 phenomenon is negative, because it could cause health problems for children,
as well as
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 create intense relationships between family members. On the kids' side, their skeletons have not become strong enough,
therefore
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 if they hold the
phones
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 for hours without adjusting the poses, their shoulders and spines would suffer great pressure, resulting in disease concerning bones. As far as family is concerned
,
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apply
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 when little girls and boys are absorbed in playing applications on their smartphones, they would pay little attention to their parents and neglect to appreciate or value the things father and mother do for them,
such
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 as cooking for them, taking them to and from school.
As a result
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, parents would feel unrelated to and grow dissatisfied towards the kids, leading to misunderstanding and a gap between parents and children. In conclusion, I suggest that insufficient censorship of information provided on
phones
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 is to be blamed for
this
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 situation and
this
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 trend is absolutely a negative one.

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Improvement Suggestions

2
task response

Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons why children spend hours on their smartphones and provides an opinion on whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the essay lacks depth in its analysis and does not fully develop the reasons and implications of children spending excessive time on smartphones.

coherence and cohesion

Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of topic organization and structure. However, the logical structure could be improved by developing a more cohesive flow of ideas and using clearer transitions between paragraphs. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion would benefit from being more distinct and impactful to better frame the essay.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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