IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people argue that we should do research into their family history. Others, agree with the view that we should focus on the present and future generations. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #research #history #focus #future #generations
There are controversial perspectives sparking a debate over conducting genealogical research.
While
 some hold a strong view that delving into family
history
 is of necessity, others claim that concentration
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
current
Correct article usage
the current
show examples
 generation and posterity should be put into the priority. The former is valid to some extent, but I would go for the latter. Without a shadow of a doubt, carrying out research that involves the
history
 of one’s family is comparatively significant. It is
due to
 the fact that through genealogical information of family trees, people can have a clearer view of the biological aspects which do wonders for curing congenital diseases.
For instance
, DNA features can act as hints for doctors to diagnose more effectively about the potential possibility of being infected with specific diseases like lung cancer or asthma.
Hence
, the researchers are the beneficiaries of making enquiries about the
history
 of the family.
While
 the redeeming feature of pursuing a deeper understanding of family roots is widely acknowledged, it is more advisable to prioritize the current generation and posterity. Particularly, they are close persons who can be present in
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 when we encounter difficulties in ordinary life. To cite an example, parents, cousins, siblings
as well as
 relatives are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who we can turn to for help when having financial difficulties.
Therefore
, concentration in the form of spending time looking after the
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones can strengthen the bond among family members. In conclusion,
although
 it is understandable why some advocate exploring family
history
, I am convinced that concentrating on present and upcoming generations would be more sensible.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear and concise introduction that explicitly mentions how you will approach the question. While your introduction is good, making your stance clearer from the beginning can strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. While you provide general examples, more detailed instances or personal anecdotes could better illustrate your points and make your argument more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. Use linking words effectively to connect your ideas within and between paragraphs more seamlessly.
Coherence & Cohesion
In your conclusion, reiterate your main points before stating your opinion. This strengthens the cohesion of your essay by clearly summarizing the discussed viewpoints.
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