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Band 6.5

In many countries, people now wear western-style dresses such as suits and jeans rather than traditional clothing. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #dresses #suits #jeans #development
As society is advancing by leaps and bounds, the
fact
 that in many parts of the world, community show their preference for Western fashion more than their conventional clothing.
Hence
, it is imperative to analyze the reasons behind
this
 trend. For my part, I believe that
this
 development brings so many positive influences to a large extent based on the following sound reasons. The causes of
this
 phenomenon are manifold.
Firstly
, owing to the
fact
 that Western fashion styles have influenced
people
, especially youngsters via the media
such
 as social networking sites or television which connect to the internet in the age of globalization.
For example
, after watching Hollywood movies and reading American magazines, many young girls are likely to wear t-shirts and jeans for the sake that it is a trending style.
Secondly
, for the reason of logistic improvements, it becomes easier to deliver items
such
 as clothes and accessories from Western regions to other countries.
For instance
, it takes only three days
for shipping
Change preposition
to ship
show examples
 a box of stuff from America to Vietnam by
air plane
Correct your spelling
airplane
show examples
. There are two main reasons why I agree that
this
 trend has a positive impact. First of all, in light of its convenience,
people
 could move easily in shirts and jeans, in lieu of their traditional costumes. A particular example is the
Ao
Dai
 of Vietnamese. In my opinion, as a Vietnamese,
Ao
Dai
 is not only hard to wear but
also
 not comfortable to move
due to
 its features. In some situations,
people
 could not breathe if they were wearing a tight
Ao
Dai
. In
fact
, the counter-argument raised by objectors is that if
people
 tend to wear Western-based clothes, they are likely to forget their traditional culture.
This
 might be true to some degree;
however
 it is incomplete, what they failed to take into account is that folks still put on their body their conventional custom in some critical events. In Vietnam, we wear
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 fashion most days;
however
, on wedding days, we always appear with
Ao
Dai
, the red one for women and the blue one for men.
This
 example is an illustration of the
fact
 that even if
people
 are influenced by Western clothes, it does not mean that we forget our traditional values. In conclusion, in light of the analysis mentioned above, I believe that
western-style
Change the capitalization
Western-style
show examples
 dresses are a positive trend.
Submitted by mandupao on

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coherence cohesion
You have managed to articulate your thought process effectively in a well-structured manner, meaning the reader could follow your argument without trouble. However, to improve further, you should focus on crisply defining and supporting your main points, justifying your stand would add clarity.
task achievement
You have given a complete response to the task, expressing substantial ideas with well-chosen examples. Nonetheless, for a higher score, ensure your ideas are cohesively knitted together to form a broader picture, each argument could be more detailed and stand on its own strength.
lexical resource
Your vocabulary usage is commendable with few repetitions and appropriate collocations. To take it up a notch, you can add more complex lexical items and idiomatic expressions to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
grammatical range
Your grammatical accuracy is overall satisfactory, however, in order to achieve a higher band score, you must be aware of sentence complexity and variety. Try incorporating a variety of complex grammatical structures such as conditionals, relative clauses, and so on.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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