IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There has been an ongoing debate about whether teenagers should leave or stay at
home
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 with their
families
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. I firmly believe that
although
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 staying at
home
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 builds stronger family bonds, the personal growth of an independent life seems more appealing. On the one hand, living with
families
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 sustains harmony among members.
In other words
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, if
people
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 and their
families
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 live together, they will bond with each other which in turn helps them improve empathy and cultivate homey environments.
As a result
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, they give their best efforts in order to contribute to the family's well-being
as well as
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 their mutual support when
others
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 encounter difficulties.
For instance
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, Vietnamese culture values the proximity of
people
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 because it is helpful when a member seeks assistance from
others
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, especially if they have to confront multidisciplinary tasks.
On the other hand
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, conceiving private
lives
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 drives
people
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 to thrive in diverse environments. To clarify, independent
lives
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 improve a sense of autonomy which fosters individuals to attempt to compete with
others
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 in their occupations so as to achieve more. As a direct result,
people
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 have to sharpen their skills
as well as
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 broaden their knowledge as it promotes them to become more adaptable and experienced. To exemplify, in the USA, parents traditionally grant their children permission to leave their homes and choose their own
lives
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, and career paths. From my perspective, the benefits of living with
families
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 are undermined by leaving
home
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.
That is
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 to say, in the long run, staying at
home
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 may facilitate individuals' passiveness and laziness because they become overreliant on
others
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 which hinders them from gaining initiative and self-development.
In contrast
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, independent
lives
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 offer the young a solid foundation of interpersonal and social skills which enhance some fundamental qualities like integrity and perseverance for personal success. In conclusion, both sides show some truth, yet leaving
home
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 yields long-term benefits for young individuals, which puts excessive emphasis on personal development.
Although
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people
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 may gain support from
others
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 more easily when they stay with their
families
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, there are risks of being confined in terms of talents and dependent on
others
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.

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coherence
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects to your overall argument. For example, in your second paragraph, more specific examples can enhance your point about family bonds.
coherence
Try to make your conclusion more concise. You could summarize your main points briefly to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You could clarify your ideas by explaining certain terms like 'passiveness' and 'initiative' in simpler words for easier understanding.
coherence
Your essay has a clear structure, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You presented balanced views before giving your opinion, which shows depth in your argument.
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