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Band 5.5

childhood besity is becoming a problem throughout the developed world. Because of this, some people think that adverts for fast food, sweet sugary snakes should not be allowed in schools and colleges. what extent do you agree or dis agree with this?

#childhood #besity #world #people #adverts #food #snakes #schools #colleges #dis
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Nowadays, obesity is becoming a huge threat to kids in first-world countries and
due to
 ,
this
 some people agreed that fast
food
 or unhealthy snacks advertisement should be prohibited in
schools
 and colleges. I strongly agree that sugary products and fast
food
 shouldn't be promoted in
schools
.
This
 essay will discuss it with relevant examples. Advertisement is all around us, we can’t run away from
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. One of the most important aims of advertising is to persuade consumers to buy a certain product. When you think of
children
 in
schools
, they more likely wouldn't know what is best for their health and promoting sugary products can be dangerous for kids in the long run and cause not just obesity but other illness as well.
Moreover
,
children
 are already exposed to fast
food
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 outside of school, at least
this
 should stop at
schools
 where parents can't control their
children
.
Food
 preferences are developed with age and companies know how to attract
children
, adding toys to fast
food
 menus is one of their strategies.
However
, if that stops in the
schools
 and giving the choices of healthy snacks to
children
 can improve their
overall
 health and protect them from childhood obesity.
In addition
 to that
schools
 can provide more healthy
food
 options for kids at less prices.
To conclude
, It is the best decision not to expose
children
unhealthy
Change preposition
to unhealthy
show examples
, sugary products in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools
 as
schools
 are where education starts for many. Rather than
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
food
 advertisements should be promoted in the
schools
.
Submitted by elff.bgc on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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