IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness, and trust no longer so important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#person #status #possessions #values #honor #kindness #trust
Being able to obtain
malerialistic
Correct your spelling
materialistic
 items is one of the most desirable dreams
people
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
longed
Wrong verb form
longing
show examples
 for. These days,
people
in general
Add the comma(s)
, in general,
show examples
 tend to interpret other
people
according to
 the amount of their
possesion
Correct your spelling
possession
possessions
 and
reputaion
Correct your spelling
reputation
while
neglect
Change the verb form
neglecting
show examples
 the traditional values in terms of kindness or loyalty.
This
 essay will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views and explain why it is true.
People
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
 only judge someone by their status and
possesions
Correct your spelling
possessions
show examples
 because of unfair treatment and various social groups.
Firstly
, poor
people
 are being treated unequally in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Although
 they are good citizens who contribute to helping the country, they are being underestimated because they do not own any valuable and luxurious things. Beggars,
for example
, most of them are kind-hearted
people
 with talents and passion to achieve something in their lifetime;
however
, they are not even given opportunities to engage in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 in the first place.
Secondly
, there are different groups divided in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. Only wealthy
people
 have a chance to build
Add an article
a network
show examples
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 with each other
whereas
 the least privileged are not welcomed to be part of them and are often overlooked.
As a result
, even with old
overall
 qualities,
people
 without status and fortune, will not be able to have any connection with rich
people
.
On the other hand
,
people
 are actually being judged by the quality of
Correct pronoun usage
their heart
show examples
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
 rather than their wealth because of new social norms. In today's
society
,
people
 are more open-minded than ever before to accept and appreciate
people
 from all family
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
, so
people
 treat them the way
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
others too. In conclusion,
this
 essay has discussed both views on
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 judgements based on materials and fame others own. Despite the
dtrong
Correct your spelling
strong
 arguments from both sides, I strongly agree with
this
 opinion. If
people
 still continue doing
such
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
, there will certainly be more and more unfairness in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future societies.
Submitted by oddomneathp on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: