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Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is important to spend a lot of money on family celebrations. While others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views.

#people #money #celebrations #waste
People
 have different views about whether it is important to spend a lot of
money
 to celebrate family events,
while
 in some ways it may seem
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
money
. Celebrating
special
Add an article
a special
show examples
occasion
Fix the agreement mistake
occasions
show examples
 with family is important because special
moment
Fix the agreement mistake
moments
show examples
wont
Add an apostrophe
won't
show examples
 repeat themself, but somehow, spending
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
celebration
Correct article usage
a celebration
show examples
 will cost your balance. Celebration is
one
 of many reasons why
people
 are motivated and happy.
Moreover
, they use it as a remark that something important ever happened.
For instance
,
birthday
Correct article usage
a birthday
show examples
 is a special date that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 will celebrate with their family or their closest
one
 since there is only
one
 date when a person
born
Add a missing verb
is born
show examples
, and they would never be able to replace it.
Hence
,
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 some
money
 to recall the memory
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the special moment will not be wasteful at all.
However
, saving
money
 is important, because not everyone lives under
money
 privilege. We know that
people
 were born with various conditions
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 economics, there is poor or rich. Unlucky
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
one
 whose born
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty,
because of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may never
experienced
Change the verb form
experience
be experienced
show examples
 celebrating a special occasion, and even hard for them to figure
Change preposition
out about
show examples
about
Change preposition
out
show examples
 it.
For example
, the kids that were born in the street or homeless
people
 would never understand about celebrating birthday things. All they cared about were
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 to make them survive and
living
Change the form of the verb
live
show examples
. From my point of view, I agree that
money
 is important and need to spend wisely, but celebrating
special
Add an article
a special
show examples
 occasion is something that never came twice in a certain period.
Hence
, it seems to me that it would be better to appreciate special events with good
money
 management with it.
Submitted by raymondgandi on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cherish
  • nurture
  • strengthen
  • bond
  • create memories
  • enjoyment
  • sense of belonging
  • reconnect
  • unite
  • traditions
  • create traditions
  • financial burden
  • priorities
  • moderation
  • budget
  • frugal
  • extravagant
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