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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

bie chart describe

The bar charts provide a visual representation of the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
movies
Use synonyms
 and ticket
sales
Use synonyms
 of the four different categories;
drama
Use synonyms
,
comedy
Use synonyms
, fantasy and romance which
made
Add a missing verb
were made
show examples
 between 1996 and 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
,
comedy
Use synonyms
 and
drama
Use synonyms
 were the highest
Use synonyms
movies
Correct quantifier usage
number of movies
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
released
Add a missing verb
were released
show examples
 in 2000.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
sales
Use synonyms
 of both
movies
Use synonyms
 were highest in
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 year
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to 1996. Looking
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
film
Fix the agreement mistake
films
show examples
 released, we can clearly see that 30% of
drama
Use synonyms
movies
Use synonyms
 were made in 2000.
This
Linking Words
 was 5% higher than the
drama
Use synonyms
 film
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
made
Add a missing verb
was made
show examples
 in 1996 (25%).
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentages of the
comedy
Use synonyms
 and fantasy
movies
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
released
Add a missing verb
were released
show examples
 in 2000 were 5% higher than the
proportion
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
made
Add a missing verb
was made
show examples
 in 1996 (25%,
15
Correct word choice
and 15
show examples
%, respectively).
Furthermore
Linking Words
, romance
movies
Use synonyms
 that
released
Add a missing verb
were released
show examples
 in both years showed the same percentages(5%).
On the other hand
Linking Words
, looking at the percentages of
sales
Use synonyms
, we clearly observe that 20 % of
comedy
Use synonyms
 films were purchased in 2000.
This
Linking Words
 was 5% more than the percentage of the
pushase
Correct your spelling
purchase
 that
made
Add a missing verb
was made
show examples
 in 1996(20%).
In addition
Linking Words
, 16% of
drama
Use synonyms
movies
Use synonyms
 were
purshased
Correct your spelling
purchased
 in 2000.
This
Linking Words
 was 1% higher than the
purshase
Correct your spelling
purchase
 in 1996 (15%).
In contrast
Linking Words
, in 2000, 6% of fantasy
movies
Use synonyms
 were
pushased
Correct your spelling
purchased
 which is 3% higher than the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of ticket
sales
Use synonyms
 in 1996 (3%).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, movies, sales, drama, comedy with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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