IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?

#people #measures #epidemic
Nowadays obesity has become a common problem for
people
 of any age and class, even those who are not obese are under the impression of being overweight. Obesity does not only affect physical
health
 but it definitely takes
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a toll on a person’s mind.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are many reasons for being overweight, the major cause is binge eating. Binge eating is a disorder, which many
people
 can’t even realize. It can be triggered by stress,
due to
 negative feelings regarding anything, availability of food or simply because of boredom. To illustrate that,
according to
 a survey, carried out by the
national
Correct your spelling
National Health Authority
show examples
health
 authority of Pakistan on 100 overweight volunteers, almost 45% were fat because of binge eating. The other factors which were highlighted in the report were lack of exercise , unhealthy lifestyle and very little or no walking at all.
This
 is true, many
people
 are so busy that they hardly get any time for exercise
whereas
 the availability of affordable cars has transformed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
man into some lazy creature.
On the other hand
,
people
 who generally avoid using cars can walk several kilometres without being tired. Our generation can’t compete with
people
 from older times because they are not used to walking.
However
, obesity is curable. It can be overcome by making some changes in lifestyle, like, a person should introduce walking in his routine life. Brisk walking is good for
health
 and weight. It keeps the risk of a heart attack at bay. Intake of junk food should be minimized as the excess carbohydrates are the main culprits in making a person unhealthy. In a nutshell, one should eat and live healthily because it has an effect on the
health
 and mind of a person.
Submitted by aribaatique11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay somewhat addresses the topic, but needs to be more focused and provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but it lacks cohesion and coherence in the development of ideas.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates some range of vocabulary, but it could benefit from more varied and precise language.
grammatical range
There are issues with sentence structure, verb tenses, and article usage. The essay needs more complex structures and fewer errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: