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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to ashdown museum during the year before and year after the refurbished. The chart show result of survays asking how they were satisfied with their visit during the same two period The table below shows the numbers of visitors to ashdown museum during the year before and year after the refurbished. The chart show result of survays asking how they were satisfied with their visit during the same two period

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to ashdown museum during the year before and year after the refurbished. The chart show result of survays asking how they were satisfied with their visit during the same two period The table below shows the numbers of visitors to ashdown museum during the year before and year after the refurbished. The chart show result of survays asking how they were satisfied with their visit during the same two period
#numbers #visitors #ashdown #museum #year #show #survays #visit #two #period
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The given table provides data about the number of
visitors
Use synonyms
 to Ashdown
Museum
Use synonyms
 in the aspects before and after its renovation,
while
Linking Words
 pie charts illustrate the satisfaction of the users under 5 levels.
Overall
Linking Words
, the total number of people who visited the
museum
Use synonyms
 increased significantly.
In addition
Linking Words
, user satisfaction has
also
Linking Words
rose
Change the verb form
risen
show examples
 significantly after the refurbishment. During the year before
renovation
Add an article
the renovation
show examples
 of the
museum
Use synonyms
, only 74,000 people visited and after the
changes
Add a comma
,changes
show examples
 it
was climb
Change the verb form
climbed
show examples
 to 92,000.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these changes affected to reduce 40% of dissatisfied
visitors
Use synonyms
 to 15%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, people who satisfied with the previous look of the
Museum
Use synonyms
 were accounted for 30%, but
this
Linking Words
 increased by 10% after the refurbishment.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 satisfied customer base climbed from 15% to 35%
due to
Linking Words
 the renovation of the Ashdown
Museum
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, the figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 very dissatisfied
visitors
Use synonyms
 reduced from 10% to 5%.
Finally
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both times 5% of the total
visitors
Use synonyms
 did not
response
Replace the word
respond
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the survey.
Submitted by dmdeemanthakasun on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, museum with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "climb" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reduce" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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