IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people say that it is responsibility of the individual to save money for their own care after they retire. Do you agree or disagree?

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In the present world, folks have started planning an early
retirement
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. Many nations do not provide any
retirement
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 plans to their citizens despite having a high
tax
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 rate on all commodities. I completely disagree with the argument that it is an individual's own responsibility to have savings to take care of themselves after
retirement
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.
Firstly
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, from the time a
person
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 is born, he has to pay service on everything he purchases.
For instance
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, if a
person
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 is going out for a meal, he pays
tax
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 on transit and food.
This
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 is just a basic example of how society has to pay the government for its every activity. Even if a
person
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 decides to cook a meal by himself, he has to pay a
tax
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 on the groceries. If everything for the government is being paid by the communities,
then
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 there should be an age limit after which the official agencies start paying society back in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of a
retirement
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 plan.
Secondly
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, official agencies take a major chunk of a
person
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's salary every year. It feels senseless to common people to first have a huge part of their income taken away and
then
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 again have to pay for everything they purchase.
For example
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, in Canada, almost 40 per cent of income gets deducted as
tax
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 every year, where almost all commodities are provided by private incorporations. Paying large money for their complete life and not getting any breaks is depressing.
Finally
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, as I mentioned above, a
person
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 who keeps paying the government his whole life, no matter what financial condition he is in, deserves a break in his life. So, every nation should have a
retirement
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 plan, that would help society to live their
last
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 years peacefully.

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task response
Task Achievement: The response provides relevant arguments against the idea that it is an individual's responsibility to save for retirement. However, some points lack development, and the essay does not fully address all aspects of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a generally logical structure and presents a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the development of supporting points is somewhat weak, and the use of examples is not fully effective in enhancing clarity and coherence.
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