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Band 6

Some people say that the best way to discourage smoking is to make smoking illegal in public places. Other people say that this is not enough and other measures are needed. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #places #measures
The number of
people
 smoking worldwide has significantly increased in recent years.
Although
 many
people
 believe that making smoking illegal and banning it in public areas are the most effective ways of making
people
 quit smoking,others argue that other measures are necessary.In
this
 ,essay
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss both views and will state why I think there is more to be done in order to encourage
people
 to stop smoking. Those
people
 who think,that making smoking illegal and banning smoking in public areas will decrease the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of smokers believe, that
people
 will stop smoking for fear of getting caught.
For example
, they will avoid smoking if they know that they will be fined or even more ,arrested .
In addition
,if smoking becomes forbidden by law
people
 won't have access to cigarettes anymore.
For instance
, cigarettes will not be sold in shops as they will be illegal.
Therefore
 the number of smokers will drop relatively soon.
On the other hand
, the other group of
people
 suggest ,that government should address the root of the problem and focus on educating
people
 about the dangers of smoking. They believe, that the government should provide different programs to educate children from a very early age.
For instance
, teaching children about the harms of smoking can become part of the curriculum .If children learn about the harmful effects of smoking ,
this
 might discourage them from starting to smoke when they are adults. In conclusion,
while
 some
people
 believe that banning smoking in public areas and making smoking illegal is the most effective way to help
people
 stop smoking, I agree with the second opinion and think, that smoking a problem should be solved by addressing its root and educating
people
 about the dangers of smoking.
Submitted by  Niamh Gal on

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example
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grammar
Pay attention to proper punctuation and grammar to enhance readability and professionalism.
cohesion
Smoothly transition between ideas to improve the flow of the essay.
structure
A clear and concise introduction and conclusion are present, outlining the main points effectively.
task responsiveness
Your essay covers both views and presents a well-stated opinion, which demonstrates good task achievement.

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