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Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries around the world, teenagers are involved in crime. Some people say it is because the parents spend long hours at work, thereby having limited time for their children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer with relevant examples

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Young individuals
attempting
Wrong verb form
attempt
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 crime in plenty of regions around the world. Numerous
people
Use synonyms
 claim that families spend
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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long periods at business,
hence
Linking Words
 they have less time to spend with their kids. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. First and foremost, crime tendency is most likely related to economic affairs. If the parents can not able to provide major necessities, some kinds of children tend to violate laws. Particularly, where society is deprived of poverty various crimes occur
such
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 as drug deals, weapon kidnap and murders revealed by young
people
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,these kinds of
provinces'officers
Correct your spelling
province officers
 take ample bribes from rich
people
Use synonyms
thus
Linking Words
 child violations cannot prevent.
Furthermore
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, It is not merely related to
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
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 budgets, the country's economic situation is the key point for the kid's case role. If the
government
Add a verb
isgovernment
wasgovernment
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 not able to prevent inflation, local exchange currency value diminishing and the proportion of crime will increase.
Secondly
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, The insufficient schooling system and ignorant society lead to a rise in uneducated young
people
Use synonyms
.
Because
Add the preposition
ofBecause
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 lack of well-educated lectures, inappropriate institutions and scholarship opportunities. It is a fact that the quantity of institutions is not merely efficient for learners. It is compulsory to contain intelligent teachers in order to exert sufficient education. In terms of those kinds of issues encourage children to crimes.
For example
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, I had a friend who wanted to be a doctor in elementary school but his teacher diverted him to studying history.
Subsequently
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, he became unemployed
due to
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 a lack of appropriate job positions. One day he entered jail because of stealing food from the gas station. In conclusion, spending time with families is not related to violence. The key point is the economical competence of the country and its parents.
Additionally
Linking Words
, an inefficient schooling system and education deficit may cause corruption.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Parental supervision
  • Peer pressure
  • Criminal activities
  • Economic instability
  • Financial stress
  • Role models
  • Social determinants
  • Neighborhood quality
  • School environment
  • Social services
  • Quality time
  • Ethical values
  • Community involvement
  • Social support systems
  • Negative influences
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