IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; during festival periods, people only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #festivals #periods
Festivals are an integral part of our society and culture. A number of
people
 do not remember the meaning of traditional or religious events. Nowadays
people
 attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultural events for pleasure,
while
 they don’t care about
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 content
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. I completely agree with
this
 statement.
This
 essay
discuss
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discusses
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 that
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
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 busy with lots of
responsible
Replace the word
responsibilities
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their job and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 less knowledge about these occasions. Big parts of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 are engaged
by
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in
show examples
 their careers and lessons.
People
during
Change preposition
apply
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workdays have less
time
 to have fun and be together,so they consider events as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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opportunity ,
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in which
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 they can take a part with friends and enjoy their
time
.
For example
, in Iran
chaharshanbe
Add a comma
,chaharshanbe
show examples
soori
Correct your spelling
poori
 is a popular event,
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 Citizens participate in
this
 occasion
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 making
fire
Correct article usage
a fire
show examples
 and watching it and they have no attention to the premier goal of
this
 night which is spending
time
 with
elder
Correct pronoun usage
their elder
show examples
 family and
being prepare
Change the verb form
preparing
show examples
 for
new
Add an article
the new
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 year.
Furthermore
, the importance of the content of ceremonies has been neglected in schools.
Usually
Add a comma
,Usually
show examples
 Parents and
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 system do not devote
time
 to
teach
Wrong verb form
teaching
show examples
 these definitions to
childeren
Correct your spelling
children
,
thus
 young generation
are
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is
show examples
stranger
Fix the agreement mistake
strangers
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with
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to
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 their
culture
Replace the word
cultural
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 heritage.
For instance
,
Add an article
a nation
the nation
show examples
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 in my country
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 indifferent to many dates and ceremonies because these
afairs
Correct your spelling
affairs
 do not same value as before for family and society. In conclusion, in my
opinion
Add the comma(s)
,opinion
show examples
 the
significant
Replace the word
significance
show examples
 of
Add an article
the festival
show examples
festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
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 has changed
as well as
people
instead
 of doing their
custom
Fix the agreement mistake
customs
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
prefer to
joy
Add a missing verb
have joy
show examples
 and spend their
time
 with
people
 ,
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 they like.
Submitted by mohammad.jeddinia on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Commercialization
  • Globalization
  • Cultural dilution
  • Traditional values
  • Secularization
  • Festivity
  • Heritage
  • Individualism vs. collectivism
  • Consumer culture
  • Intangible cultural heritage
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