IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as adults who commit crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults #crime
In
this
 modern era,
crime
Replace the word
criminal
show examples
 activities have increased significantly so that not only
adults
 who commit
Add an article
a crime
the crime
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 but
also
 the youth. Some
people
 state that if young
people
 commit crimes they should be punished in the same way as
adults
,
while
 others believe that it is not a wise solution.
This
 essay will discuss both points of view
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and argue in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the latter. On the one hand, some
people
 say that in order to prevent
crime
, the authorities should give
punishment
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the perpetrators without considering their ages. A case in point is Juvenile delinquency which has increased in
this
 modern era. If the authorities with their manpower could give the same treatment to those committers, they will think twice if they aspire to commit crimes.
Thus
, the juxtaposition between youths and
adults
 in terms of
punishment
 should be done for the sake of
tranquility
Change the spelling
tranquillity
show examples
.
On the other hand
, I believe that equalizing the
punishment
 between teenagers and
adults
 is not a good decision. Unlike
adults
 who can behave with their full awareness, youngsters are still vulnerable and malleable so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they are easily influenced by their peers which means that most of their actions are not based on their full awareness.
For instance
, in order to be accepted in their circumstances, students in high school may have
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 predisposition to commit
crime
Replace the word
criminal
show examples
 activities and mostly because of the influence
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their peers.
Hence
, I strongly believe that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
similising sentences between those who can think by themselves and those who are mostly influenced by their surroundings are flawed. On the basis of these statements, it can be concluded that some
people
 believe that giving
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
punishment
 should be done without considering the ages of the perpetrators for reaching serenity in
societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 I argue that since teenagers are still vulnerable and malleable, it is crucial to treat them in different ways in terms of giving
punishment
. Given
this
 situation, it is paramount for the authorities to find the best solution for preventing crimes without giving harsh punishments to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young committers.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: