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Band 7

In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the cause of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the rate of crimes and homicides is increasing significantly. In order to reduce the occurrence of
this
 problem, some people claim that the authorities should target the root cause of crime, like poverty and lack of education,
instead
 of focusing solely on the number of policemen on the streets and imprisoning criminals. Personally, I partially agree with
this
 idea as I think that both solutions are equally important.
To begin
 with, focusing on reducing the levels of poverty plays a huge role in dropping the rates of crimes.
In other words
, an important number of homicides are
due to
 the lack of money and low financial incomes.
For instance
, some lawbreakers,
such
 as drug dealers, commit
this
 type of crime in order to get fast and easy money.
Furthermore
, providing interesting educational opportunities for individuals belonging to the low socioeconomic class significantly reduces the rates of homicides as it enlightens their intellect. Acting on these two aspects is effective at reducing crimes,
however
, it is not enough. By putting more police in the streets and implementing strict rules, the lawbreakers will have to think twice before taking action. An example to illustrate
this
 would be how much the number of thieves gets significantly lower during the periods when the authorities put more criminals in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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prison. To summarize, I personally agree with the fact that as we fight poverty and provide educational opportunities for all socioeconomic levels, the level of violation of the law mostly drops.
Nevertheless
, the authorities should implement strict rules and provide more security in the streets as well.
Submitted by fatimazahra.kanbar on

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task response
Make sure to fully address the prompt by expressing a clear opinion in the introduction and presenting a balanced argument throughout the essay. Additionally, provide a stronger analysis of the two solutions in relation to the reduction of crime.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates good use of transitional phrases, but there is room for improvement in organizing ideas logically and effectively connecting sentences and paragraphs. Try to maintain consistency in presenting and linking ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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