IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#people #parents #time #work #children #support
There is no denying the fact that the main impact of family
work
 on their
kids
 is arguable.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that with the busy job
this
 day, juveniles have become suffering as the social distance from their family increase. From my perspective, I strongly believe that the social gap between children and their
parents
 increased as the family are spending more hours at the
work
 rather than their
kids
. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall explain why I believe
this
 and I will support my opinion with reasons and examples. On one hand, teenagers may suffer from the busy lifestyle of their family as most
parents
 either
work
 or study,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
kids
 are feeling lonely.
For example
, with the advancement of technology, most
parents
 tend to
work
 in their offices
as well as
 do
an online meetings
Correct the article-noun agreement
online meetings
an online meeting
show examples
 at
home
.
This
 worsens the situation more as they will not have time to sit and talk with their
kids
 about their problems.
Therefore
, the juveniles will feel lonely and isolated, and in some ,cases they will develop depression.
Thus
,
this
 makes it clear that with the increase in the workload of family,
kids
 getting severely affected.
Moreover
, workloads that made both
parents
 stressed out would lack
family
Change preposition
of family
show examples
 bond as
parents
 will come from
work
 feeling very exhausted and overwhelmed and they might sleep without even talking to their teenagers. To illustrate, a prestigious journal article published that 80% of youth who developed depression reported that they barely meet their
parents
 even though they live in the same
home
.
This
 juvenile will never feel loved as their family seem in
another worlds
Replace the adjective
another world
other worlds
show examples
 and have more priorities than their
kids
. Indeed, it becomes apparent that increasing job responsibilities may severely affect the children of the employees. In conclusion, most teenagers experienced loneliness and isolation as their families have excessive responsibility for their
work
 and when they arrived at their apartment they ignore their
kid's
Change noun form
kids'
show examples
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
My opinion
Correct pronoun usage
Opinion
show examples
, I consider that working families may harm their
kids
' lives as they spend time at
work
 more than at
home
 and even when they get
home
 they feel tired and pay no attention to the youth.
Submitted by mgumssan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: