IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer

#people #parents #time #work #children #support
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There is no denying the fact that the main impact of family
work
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 on their
kids
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 is arguable.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that with the busy job
this
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 day, juveniles have become suffering as the social distance from their family increase. From my perspective, I strongly believe that the social gap between children and their
parents
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 increased as the family are spending more hours at the
work
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 rather than their
kids
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. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall explain why I believe
this
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 and I will support my opinion with reasons and examples. On one hand, teenagers may suffer from the busy lifestyle of their family as most
parents
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 either
work
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 or study,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
kids
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 are feeling lonely.
For example
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, with the advancement of technology, most
parents
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 tend to
work
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 in their offices
as well as
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 do
an online meetings
Correct the article-noun agreement
online meetings
an online meeting
show examples
 at
home
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.
This
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 worsens the situation more as they will not have time to sit and talk with their
kids
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 about their problems.
Therefore
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, the juveniles will feel lonely and isolated, and in some ,cases they will develop depression.
Thus
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,
this
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 makes it clear that with the increase in the workload of family,
kids
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 getting severely affected.
Moreover
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, workloads that made both
parents
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 stressed out would lack
family
Change preposition
of family
show examples
 bond as
parents
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 will come from
work
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 feeling very exhausted and overwhelmed and they might sleep without even talking to their teenagers. To illustrate, a prestigious journal article published that 80% of youth who developed depression reported that they barely meet their
parents
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 even though they live in the same
home
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.
This
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 juvenile will never feel loved as their family seem in
another worlds
Replace the adjective
another world
other worlds
show examples
 and have more priorities than their
kids
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. Indeed, it becomes apparent that increasing job responsibilities may severely affect the children of the employees. In conclusion, most teenagers experienced loneliness and isolation as their families have excessive responsibility for their
work
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 and when they arrived at their apartment they ignore their
kid's
Change noun form
kids'
show examples
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
My opinion
Correct pronoun usage
Opinion
show examples
, I consider that working families may harm their
kids
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' lives as they spend time at
work
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 more than at
home
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 and even when they get
home
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 they feel tired and pay no attention to the youth.
Submitted by mgumssan on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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