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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve public health, while others think that this would have little effect and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The issue of public
health
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 has become a major concern
of
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for
show examples
 societies these days. There has been a significant divide in public opinion regarding
this
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 issue.
While
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 many individuals believe that increasing physical
activity
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 is a key strategy for the
improvement
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 of public
health
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, others argue that the enhancement of
overall
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health
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 in the
community
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 requires broader interventions. In
this
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 essay, both views will be discussed thoroughly before concluding with my own opinion that the
improvement
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 of
community
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 well-being requires a combination of efforts. Supporters of increasing physical
activity
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 as a method of improving
health
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 argue that increasing physical
activity
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 is closely associated with an increase in
overall
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 human well-being. They believe that making facilities
such
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 as gyms, sports centres, and parks conveniently available and affordable will encourage people to exercise regularly, thereby reducing obesity and chronic illness.
For example
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, countries
such
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 as Japan and Sweden have invested heavily in
community
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 fitness infrastructure.
As a result
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, illness and obesity rates reduced significantly in the following years.
Therefore
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, promoting an active lifestyle aids in combating the unfavourable consequences of a sedentary lifestyle.
On the other hand
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, opponents of the previous view claim that the issue is deeper than it seems. They opine that increasing exercise alone will not significantly enhance the
overall
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health
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 of the
community
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 without taking other contributing factors—
such
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 as junk food consumption, awareness level, anxiety, and stress—into consideration.
Furthermore
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, they hold the belief that the process of
health
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improvement
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 is a collective effort from the government, schools, and society itself.
For example
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, in Japan, the government implemented strict regulations that prevent schools from supplying students with junk food, leading to a positive impact on students’ performance.
Similarly
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, in South Korea, the government focuses on healthcare services, invests in improvements, and raises awareness. Many
health
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 education campaigns have been established in different areas,
such
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 as malls, schools, and parks, to encourage healthier habits. In conclusion,
although
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 many people believe promoting exercise alone is the key strategy for a healthier life, others argue that other aspects should
also
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 be addressed. In my opinion, the enhancement of
community
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health
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 requires a combination of measures,
such
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 as education, promoting physical
activity
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, and lifestyle
improvement
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure all main points are clearly connected to your thesis statement for maximum clarity.
task achievement
Try to provide even more specific examples to strengthen your arguments further.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and ideas.
task achievement
The introduction effectively presents both views and sets the stage for discussion.
task achievement
The conclusion summarizes the main points well and clearly states your opinion.
task achievement
Good use of examples from Japan and South Korea to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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