IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are not looking care of their elderly relatives but seeking help of professionals to look after them. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #care #relatives #professionals #development
In the 21st century, many countries have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
institutionalized
care
 for senior citizens
instead
 of their family
support
. In my opinion, I consider older
people
need
Fix the infinitive
to need
show examples
 more relative
support
Add the particle
to compare
show examples
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to an organization. In
this
 essay, I will explain my views on
this
 topic with relevant examples.
To begin
 with, there are many advantages vested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
relative
care
 for elders.
Firstly
,
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 provides them
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 mental and psychological
support
 compared to a professional institution.
Secondly
, vulnerable
people
 need a comfortable space from their inmates that cannot
guarente
Correct your spelling
guarantee
 a
care
 home.
For example
,
recent
Add an article
a recent
show examples
 survey conducted by Age UK points out that, 73% of older
people
 are not adjustable with their present
care
 home.
Thirdly
, all these geriatric institutions need more financial
support
 from a beneficiary
that is
 not possible for everyone to have these services.
Finally
, old age is the
last
 phase of human life faced with health-related problems
whereas
 the long-term availability of close friends.
Moreover
, in some
cases
Add a comma
,cases
show examples
 professional help is inevitable for geriatric
care
 especially
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 with dementia , cancer and mental problems.
Furthermore
, good health practitioners have
a knowledge
Remove the article
knowledge
a piece of knowledge
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 dealing with these issues with proper medical
care
. To illustrate
this
,
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
 psychological association suggested that older
people
 with mental problems especially psychosis need institutional
care
otherwise
 it will affect
whole
Add an article
the whole
a whole
show examples
 family and minor members to cope
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with the situation.
Similarly
, all
people
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
show examples
 have a good family tie-up so they need a proper place to live in their weak
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
. In conclusion, having a helpful hand from a blood-related person is essential for
old
Add an article
an old
show examples
 generation but in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
Add a comma
,life-style
show examples
life-style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 it is not possible for everyone to get it.
Therefore
,
introduce
Wrong verb form
introducing
show examples
 organized
care
 will help lonely
people
.
Submitted by sooryag03 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!