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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola.

The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola.
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The pie chart compares sales of
Coca-Cola
Use synonyms
bottles
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 in five different nations .
Whereas
Linking Words
 , the line graph presents the
share
Use synonyms
price
Use synonyms
 of
Coca-Cola
Use synonyms
 , over a 6-year time period from 1996 to 2001. In general , North
America
Use synonyms
 had the highest
Use synonyms
Coca-Cola
Correct quantifier usage
number of Coca-Cola
show examples
bottles
Use synonyms
 .
Whereas
Linking Words
, the least proportion of
bottles
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Africa and the Middle East .
While
Linking Words
 in the line graph,
Use synonyms
share
Add an article
the share
show examples
price
Use synonyms
 for
Coca-Cola
Use synonyms
 in the initial years was high but after ,that it fluctuated and declined. To be specific, 30.4 % of
Coca-Cola
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 bottle cases were found in North
America
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 and it was the region that had the highest amount of
bottles
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 compared to other areas.
While
Linking Words
 Latin
America
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 and Europe
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the countries that accounted
Change preposition
for
show examples
more Cola bottle unit cases after North
America
Use synonyms
 and it made up 25.7% and 20.5% in those nations .
Whereas
Linking Words
 , Asia constituted only 16.4%. Meanwhile , Africa and
Middle
Correct article usage
the Middle
show examples
 East was the region that had the lowest amount of
Use synonyms
bottles
Change the noun form
bottle
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 units , with 7.0%.
However
Linking Words
, the
share
Use synonyms
price
Use synonyms
 of
Coca-Cola
Use synonyms
 in 1996 was very low and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
only
Add a missing verb
was only
show examples
 recorded at around 32$ . But,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
after one year
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
share
Use synonyms
price
Use synonyms
 had increased significantly and reached approximately 70$ .
However
Linking Words
, moving forward it
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
faced some fluctuation in
share
Use synonyms
price
Use synonyms
 but in 1998 it reached a peak of 80$ .
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 in the following years it decreased considerably and which was 51$ in 2000
then
Linking Words
 it rose slightly and accounted for 54$ in the final year.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, whereas, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words coca-cola, bottles, share, price, america with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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