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Band 5

People tend to work longer hours nowadays. Working long hours has a negative effect on themselves, their families and society, so working hours should be restricted. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #work #hours #effect #families #society
People tend to
work
 extra hours recently . Working extra
time
 has a harmful influence on individuals , their households and society , so working extra hours should be limited ,and I personally totally agree with
this
 statement because of some reasons . The detrimental impacts that working
overtime
 has on
per
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 are serious .
Firstly
 , a worker's
health
 can be affected in several ways if they always overextend their
work
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 causes their
health
 immediately .
For instance
 ,they must spend all of their
time
 sitting in front of the screen for countless hours, which leads to many
health
 problems
such
 as myopia ,
farsightedness
Correct word choice
and farsightedness
show examples
 .
In addition
, if they sit in front of the screen for a long
time
 without doing exercise that leads to some diseases of the spine or bone
such
 as spinal disease ,
kyphosis
Correct word choice
and kyphosis
show examples
 .
Secondly
 , if
workers
 always
work
 without resting or having any entertaining activities that
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
employees more depression and
stressful
Replace the word
stress
show examples
 from working
overtime
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to lower productivity performance . If
workers
work
 without resting , they will get into trouble with their
families
 and society .
For
Change preposition
Families
show examples
families
 , they
work
overtime
 , so they don’t have inadequate quality
time
 for their
families
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 weakens bonds between family members and themselves .
Besides
 ,
workers
 try to
work
overtime
 to earn more money , and they are living in a competitive environment . that leads to them not being able to educate their children, which leads to developing aggressive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 with their parents .
Therefore
workers
 can procrastinate their marriage even if they don’t want to get married ,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
aged
Add an article
the aged
show examples
 population goes up . To illustrate , we can see Japan is an exemplar
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 situation . Japanese are concentrating on working nowadays , and they always
work
 for a long duration, which causes the population in Japan is lower than in the past . In my opinion , I totally agree with
this
 statement because working
overtime
 is really harmful to people’s physical
health
as well as
 affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families
 and society .
Therefore
 , working extra
time
 should be reduced immediately .
Submitted by daviontran on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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