IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Sociologists argue that parents should not allow their children to spend too much time watching television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is a common belief that some sociologists assert that parents should not allow their kids to spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 watching
television
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. I strongly believe in
this
Linking Words
 idea because watching
television
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 is harmful to
children
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's
school
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life
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 and their
health
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.
To begin
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 with, it is true that if
children
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 watch
television
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 a lot of
time
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, they can not focus on their classes at
school
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.
Instead
Linking Words
 of taking classes, they are going to fall asleep during the classes. Eventually, it will lead them to bad scores on the exams. In a survey conducted by Oxford National University, 70% of students who spend over 5 hours watching
television
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 in a day responded that they got lower grades rather than those who spend an hour
time
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 watching
television
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.
This
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 shows that watching
television
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 too much
time
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 affects
children
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's
school
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life
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 in a negative way.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is evident that watching
television
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 a lot of
time
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 is detrimental to
children
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's
health
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, especially, eyesight. From my experience, when I
wan
Correct your spelling
was
show examples
 in elementary
school
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, I watched
television
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 too much
time
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 at home every single day. One day, I realized that I can not see everything clearly. So, I went to see a doctor. She told me that watching
television
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 made my eyesight worse. Since
then
Linking Words
, I should have
wore
Change the verb form
worn
show examples
 the glasses.
This
Linking Words
 means that watching
television
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 is harmful to
children
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's
health
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.
To sum up
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, it is true that watching
television
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too
Change preposition
for too
show examples
 much
time
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 has effects on
children
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's
health
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 and their
school
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life
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 negatively. So, parents have to control
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
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 properly. It will help
children
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 to deal with their
time
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 watching
television
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 efficiently and it will lead them to well-being
life
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 in the future.

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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