IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

the percentage of overweight children in western societies has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the possible causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution.

#percentage #children #societies #ten #years #effects #trend #offer
Nowadays in Europe and USA, the rate of overweight
children
 has risen by around 20% which shows that changes in western societies have some negative effects on people. The situation should be reversed for the sake of society, and to have a happier and healthier society. There might be several reasons for
this
 increase
such
 as dietary trends, physical inactivity and habits. It can be said that compared to previous years, the lifestyles of
children
 have become sedentary because of technological improvements. Recently, most of them prefer to meet their friends via the internet by playing online games which makes them unwilling to go out and play physical games. Since many
children
 prefer
this
 way of entertainment, it has become their habit.
Additionally
,
due to
 the increased number of fast food restaurants and improvements in online food delivery systems, the tendency to eat unhealthy nutrition has augmented as well.
As a result
 of these changes and the increased number of obese
children
, possible health and psychological problems may arise in the near future. Being overweight can cause diabetes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since the rate of carbohydrates in the body goes up.
Moreover
, sleep apnea, which may end up with some fatal conclusions during sleep, is another effect of obesity.
Besides
 health issues, psychological problems like, having low self-esteem because of appearance and being exposed to
Add an article
the
show examples
exclusion by friends. To decrease the rate of overweight
children
, schools may initiate activities that attract
children
 to play outside games.
Also
, the number of physical education lessons can be increased or competitions can be organized. Since the prize stimulates the
children
, they will be eager to attend
such
 kind of activities.
Furthermore
, parents may influence their
children
 to eat healthy foods by arranging some family meal preparation activities.
To conclude
, since obesity will create some crucial issues for people in the future, the daily habits of
children
, which are the main cause of the problem, should be changed. For me, parents and schools play an important role in changing
this
 situation.
Submitted by reyyanbanu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: